Paul Hornung, ND’ original “golden boy”, is the namesake for college football’s newest honor: “most versatile player” (a player that can help their team the most in a large variety of ways).

Hornung is one of college football’s all-time greats (think the original Rocket Ismail, plus he could throw, and play defense), the only player special enough to win the Heisman on a losing team, so his name belongs right up there with the Biletnikoffs and Nagurskis.

However, he might have even more fame for the statement “ND must lower admissions to get the black athlete and win”. Technically, he may be right on lowering admissions, he just made the mistake of using the qualifying term “black”. (That’s what we call racial profiling.)

So, occasionally in his honor, the Blarney will bring you Hornung’s Words of Wisdom, or technically true statements that are worded wrong, or perhaps show some type of prejudice/political incorrectness.

Paul Hornung’s Words of Wisdom For 12-16-11:

“Too many times in life, we are not as honest as we should be. For a lot of reasons. While I am kind of sour on Brian Kelly right now (underachieving), and all coaches are at least partly used car salesmen, I like that BK at least attempts to be honest. Yes, he yells, and turns colors, and offends his players by playing favorites, but I really think that his players know where he stands for the most part. Put it this way, if Tommy Rees needs to be benched against Florida State because he’ s stinking up the joint, BK will make it clear why he’s being benched. Rees won’t get the memo in a text message like he would if he played for new Arizona State head man and utter piece of shit Todd Graham.”

It’s almost August, and you can start to smell the college football season in the air. And it smells so sweet. Sweet enough that you start losing your “employee of the week” parking space to a different Oompa Loompa every day, and your thinking “‘Where the hell did all these Oompa Loompas come from, and am I going to have to go Legarrette Blount on one of ‘em to show that they can’t mess with my parking space?”, and then you suddenly remember they all are here because of the previously mentioned sweetness in the air due to college football. So, you can’t be mad. The little guys can’t help it. Sweetness is their catnip.

Anyway, college football is almost here, and the unofficial start is SEC Media Days. The Evil Empire. You probably don’t know this, but that conference has won the last five BCS championships. Really, nobody talks about that, ever. You probably won’t see that stat anywhere else the whole rest of the college football season. But, it’s true. So, if you want to know what the Irish and the other schools are going up against (it’s an Everybody vs SEC world, remember, they have won the last five BCS championships… seriously), it’s good to know what the SEC’s prospects are looking like. However, three days of “coachspeak” at Media Days gets you roughly the nutritional value of a Twinkie, so the Blarney has scoured through the notes, and will give you a quick rundown on where the SEC a month before the season gets underway. It’s just something you need to know (well, the highlights, at least). Because I think they’ve won the last four…nope, five, yeah, it’s five BCS championships.

Just like a Budweiser night: Here. We. Go!

1.) Mike Slive thinks kids should want to learn how to read good, and do other stuff good, too.
He talked about reforms such as raising GPA for admission (from 2.0 to 2.5), using real “academic progress”, four year scholarships instead of renewable (making it harder to cut players, as SEC schools are wont to do), and having scholarships that cover cost of attendance. He also thinks you should be able to text and write on a kid’s Facebook wall for recruiting purposes (he is right). He may believe in everything he said, or he may be fishing for some good PR, but either way, just talking about these kinds of things is the way to go.

2.) Nick Saban doesn’t know how the media can be so smart to pick Alabama to win the conference. He sure as hell doesn’t know that. He’s not sure if his team is disciplined enough to win a single game, let alone his West division and entire conference. He’s not even sure if they know how to tackle, or even play this game you call football. He’s never heard of Mark Ingram or Dont’a Hightower. He most likely downplayed his team some more after that. In other words, look out for the Crimson Tide.

3.) Les Miles is still crazy. Let’s be honest here. People like to tease him because he spits out sentences that even an English professor couldn’t diagram. Or because he likes to munch some grass on the sideline (when we all know that he does far more fun things with grass than just eating it). We look at him like he’s One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest with every waking moment. But, his players love him, and he can recruit with the best of them because a 17 year-old kid full of testosterone loves to play for a guy who might call a 100 yard deep bomb on a 1st-and-goal from the opponent’s one-yard line (think Super Tecmo Bowl). If a football coach could spit out a gangsta rap album, it would be Miles. He don’t give a f–k. Miles will be entertaining, LSU will be good, but you don’t win the SEC West over ‘ Bama with Jordan Jefferson at quarterback.

4.) Steve Spurrier will call you stupid to your face if he thinks you are (and that goes for Mike Slive, too). Spurrier doesn’t care if kids can read, that’s what picture books are for. No need for this 2.5 GPA you speak of. He also want to be able to cut players yearly, no questions asked. Spurrier also knows that the saying “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” should be updated to “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes, and Stephen Garcia getting suspended for being an idiot”. All of this is fine, because he is keeping South Carolina’s best players in-state (Jeffery, Lattimore, Clowney), and his team is going to be East favorites, and possibly contend for the whole SEC.

5.) Auburn is apparently not playing this season. Really, all reporters asked about was Cam Newton and possible recruiting transgressions.

6.) Florida will fare better with a pro-style offense. Charlie Weis will help John Brantley tremendously by running an offense that fits the quarterback’s skills. Not even Chuck Norris could have taught Brantley to run a spread-option, and Norris can cure cancer. Muschamp is no-nonsense and a great defensive mind, but the Gator’s overall defensive talent isn’t what is was, and that should keep them behind Carolina in the East, and ‘Bama, LSU, and Arkansas in the West.

7.) Arkansas has to replace Ryan Mallet, but Tyler Wilson will be fine. He has Knile Davis, Greg Childs, and Jarius Wright as playmates, along with a good offensive line. Oh, and Petrino is calling the shots. Arkansas will score, but I don’t think their defensive talent is enough to become tops in the West.

8.) Georgia is snake-bitten. They lose their best lineman (Trinton Sturdivant) every year, and depth is a problem. It’s like their offensive line is made up of action figures, and they belong to a kid who like to toss them in the microwave on high, just to see what happens. Aaron Murray can play, but quarterbacks are as good as their offensive lines. The Dawgs stay behind USC (not that one) and Florida in the East.

9.) Derek Dooley didn’t know he got a law degree to become a stay-at-home mom. The Vols have a roster that is 70% freshman and sophomores. He can teach, teach teach, and “coach ‘em up” all he wants, but that won’t cut in in the SEC (not even the weaker East). Last year, he taught them how to bathe, so what fun could be next? It won’t be a math lesson, that’s for sure.

A bunch of other teams said a bunch of other stuff, but none of them are contenders, or even interesting in a mocking sense.

One step closer to football, fellas.

Just a quick follow up to the Marc Tyler TMZ situation that I posted on previously. The timing of his comments (with USC already being on probation) made the situation worse (apparently, AD Pat Haden actually considered booting him from the team completely), but it is dangerous to insinuate anything that a governing body frowns upon, or finds illegal at any time. Doing that is just asking for trouble.

So with Marc Tyler in mind, the Blarney has 6 instances when insinuating something can go wrong:

1.) If you are at dinner with your wife, and you order her a Diet Coke (that she has been drinking more of recently) while she is away from the table when she more often gets regular Coke. Just try and talk you way out of that shit storm.

2.) If you are pulled over by a cop, who then asks, “Have you been drinking today, sir?”, and you point to your girlfriend’s fat friend (whom you are giving a ride as a favor), and say “What do you think, officer?”

3.) When you are a head coach over a hotshot coach-in-waiting, and you plead with various reporters to “dig up some dirt” on said hotshot coach. Now, Bill Stewart, why, oh why, would you ever want dirt on Dana Holgorsen?

4.) When you are interviewing for a job, and you ask, “So, do y’all have worker’s comp?”

5.) When you are stuck in a car with 4 friends for an 18-hour road trip to Colorado to do some skiing, and your friend driving (who has control of the window locks) says, “I may have eaten too many baked beans at the cookout yesterday”.

6.) When you are on your first day of a 15 to 20 year prison stretch, ready to take your first shower with your soap-on-a-rope, and before you step in the corrections officer says, “Oh, now, you won’t be needing that.”