To go the way of the Dodo it to become extinct or obsolete. You know, what Notre Dame is supposed to be, considering the school hasn’t won a national championship since 1988. As the media is wont to say, academics and cold weather have taken the fight out of Notre Dame football. The times have passed ND by, and the school is more worried about producing well-rounded individuals than they are about producing football stars.

Because of that, the high school football studs of today aren’t supposed to have Notre Dame on their radar. How can they consider a school that is not winning? How can they play for a program that doesn’t appear to treasure winning on the same level as the elite institutions do? Parade All-Americas would rather go to a program that is at the top of its game, and located in warm weather. Because why not go to a place where girls can walk around in a bikini top year round?

Well, even with all of these perceptions that go against the Irish these days-Notre Dame ain’t dead yet. Certainly not among its fans, and not among high school football talent either. Just ask Rivals.com. The best high school talent does have Notre Dame on its mind. Her Loyal Sons breaks it down on their site (check it out). You can debate about the accuracy of recruiting websites, and you can question their agendas, but they are the standard that we go by. (It may not work out, but you have to feel better about your school signing a bunch of Rivals 100 guys than not.) Notre Dame was nowhere to be found on these sites at the end of the Ty era, but they are back going toe to toe with the Florida’s of college football for top talent. And that is where the school needs to be.

Weis and his staff have shown that Notre Dame can still go after the big boys. They have shown that Notre Dame is still alive. They recruit hard. No school recruits itself anymore, not Notre Dame, not USC, not Florida, not Oklahoma. Getting good players is a combination of what the school can offer, and what recruiting message you send. That’s why Tennessee paid out a boatload of money for a staff full of recruiting whiz kids-instead of bailing out Detroit. (They could’ve if they wanted to, but thought it best to leave it to the government or the free market.) The point is: recruit, recruit, recruit, and recruit some more.

Weis and Notre Dame have done this, and that is why the program isn’t finished yet. No matter what people say.

Apparently, Nick Montana is the new “It” guy. “It” as in Ryan Seacrest “it.” There is nothing he doesn’t do. He hosts America’s most popular television show, has his own radio stint, reports on Hollywood happenings, has a music deal, made the cover of GQ, is co-authoring a book, and has scholarship offers from Notre Dame, Ohio State, Florida State, and Alabama. He is the only quarterback being talked about recently in recruiting circles, and that is damn hard to do.

And here’s why he’s being talked about. His last name is Montana. That’s right, he is the son of legendary Notre Dame and 49er star Joe Montana. The guy who quarterbacked more comebacks and Super Bowls than Pam Anderson has had tit jobs. He was so cool, he calmed in teammates in a Super Bowl by pointing out the lovable John Candy (Hard to believe he wasn’t noticed before that moment. He was hard to miss because he was famous. And fat too.) in the stands. In, fact he might be the coolest Joe ever. It’s either him, or Joe Camel.

In a way, he kinda reminds me of Paris Hilton. She has a famous last name, and she looks pretty good, so she is famous. Nick Montana has a famous last name, and has some football skills, so he has been plastered over every college football (recruiting) website I have seen recently. Montana this and Montana that. A big story because of where he comes from.

People go crazy over this genetic stuff. “He has good genes. Got his dads right arm, height, pocket presence, and penis size! Guaranteed stud.” Notre Dame is pretty big on legacies too, and I’m sure there are some (okay, a lot of) fans who desperately want the younger Montana to be Irish. I do too, if Charlie thinks he can play. If Weis thinks Jake Heaps or some other quarterback is better, than I want that guy. Don’t care what his name, or what his legacy is.

Nick Montana may be the hot story, but it doesn’t necessarily mean a thing. You can have your story, and your happy ending (Montana bloodlines continue at Notre Dame!), and that’s all fine. I’ll just take who the best player is, no matter the story.

(Because you asked for it! Look for “The Montana Watch” to appear periodically in South Bend Blarney.)

To whom it may concern:

I first heard of Jon Gruden in 2002, and fell instantly in love with him. I had just gotten over a disappointing 5 year relationship with Head Coach Bob Davie, and was tired of watching my Irish sputter to pick up a first down. Run up the middle twice, followed by a quarterback keeper, or option (but never pitched). But it didn’t matter anymore, because there was a new kid in town. This dreamy quarterback guru, blond-haired, blue-eyed NFL coach was supposedly available. He loved Notre Dame, and had almost led the Raiders (The Raiders!) and Rich Gannon (Rich Gannon!) to the Super Bowl. Oh God, he turned me on. He was young, had flowing blond locks (which I have managed to collect quite a few and turn them into a type of voo-doo hair doll-wait that wasn’t for Jon, it was for my crush on Jamie King). He was offensive-minded, and great with quarterbacks. Also, Child’s Play was my favorite horror movie, and I could never resist a Chucky look-alike. But the relationship never materialized, and ND got somebody else.

Crushes aren’t supposed to last 7 years, but Jon has come back into my life. The Tampa Bay Bucs fired him after this season, and now he is available again. I know he still wants to coach ND. The media thinks it can happen, so it must be true. It doesn’t matter what obstacles we have to overcome, or what buyouts must be dealt with. Since I cannot come up with the right words on my own, I leave you with this. Jon, in the words of immortal 80’s pop legend Richard Marx, I am Right Hear Waiting for You.

Sincerely,

Please tell me that no ND fan-
actually thinks Jon Gruden-
is gonna coach the Irish.