The Irish just had to open a season with high expectations 0-2, didn’t they? There could be no other way. Otherwise, media types and college football fans would have nowhere to go with witty banter, one-liner sarcasm, and other snarky comments. Notre Dame is just more interesting to talk about on a national level (even over other traditional powers such as Oklahoma or Nebraska-they don’t get the national commentary that ND is inclined to get). The Irish move the meter. They are Charlie Sheen. Everyone other program is Jon Cryer. One elicits an emotion-positive for one-half of the country, negative for the other half. The other has his small group of fans, and then nobody else cares. Who do you think is more likely to get roasted? You guessed it.

So, because Notre Dame is interesting, people talk about them-and their expectations- a lot in the preseason. Sometimes the expectations are low, but mostly they are at least somewhat high. Then, if the Irish don’t meet expectations, everything is still okay, because the door is now open for people to take their shots. They don’t hold back either, we’re talking Mike Tyson-to-the-groin shots. Something worthy of 20 million views on Youtube.

It’s commentary like this:

“Unrealistic expectations have been killing Notre Dame coaches and lining the pockets of therapists for too long now. The people who rank Notre Dame (0-2 on your television dial) in the top 25 before every season are the same people who pine for the days of the Cold War and a Saturday night spent with “Hee Haw.” There’s a chance — a small chance, but a chance — that removing Notre Dame from consideration from polls and eliminating the Irish from the incessant public cacophony of prognostication will allow them to go about their business in relative calm.

It’s the Zen approach: If there are no expectations, there can be no disappointment. ”

Basically, it’s talk that centers around “it’s a new era, with new football powers, and Notre Dame can no longer compete on the same level”. Irish fans have heard every reason in the book: Academics, weather, religious overtones, geography, etc.

The question is, where does reality lie? Is the “Notre Dame is dead” commentary real, or is it just rhetoric that even its own authors will turn against with “Return to Glory!” claims should the Irish get hot on the field?

This will sound cliche, but the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. ND can win, but at this point there are better “destination jobs” in college sports.

Here are the facts:

-The right coach is needed. That doesn’t mean hiring one with a championship ring. It means finding a coach ready to break through. Bob Stoops, Jim Tressel, Pete Carroll, and Urban Meyer were not “sure things” when they landed the jobs that would turn them into “sure things”.

-Notre Dame is no longer, and never will be, what they were under Rockne, Leahy, or Parseghian. Competiton is too strong, and kids have too many options. The game is more sophisticated, with more good players and coaches than ever. The war for recruiting is a bloodbath. (There is a 5-star recruit this cycle from Ohio that was committed to the Buckeyes. Tressel got forced out, and the kid signed with Michigan. A Buckeye that became a Wolverine. Woody Hayes would rather have licked a toilet seat than see that happen. But, that is how things go these days, kids are not bound by tradition like the old days.

-They can be what they were under Holtz. They can be in the championship picture. Notre Dame still has an awful lot of appeal, and that is without winning for 20 years. What if they actually did something on the field?

-The academic thing can be an issue. Notre Dame alumni like to think “Come here, play football, get a degree in four years, and no matter what, you’ll be set with a good job for life-how can you turn down that opportunity?” That has an appeal to some kids. But, most stud recruits see football itself as their calling. Class is like a hemorrhoid that most be put up with. ND is going to have to let some “borderline” kids in, much as they did for Holtz, or the talk about keeping up with the Alabamas of the world will be true. If the adminstration is willing to “play ball” ND can compete.

-Geography is an issue. The best kids play in the South. With plenty of institutions that have sex appeal (and I don’t mean the student body, though that helps), making it an easy choice for recruits to stay close to home. ND knows it has to recruit nationally. They must be able to pluck talented kids from every region. Weis showed ND can still get skill players from just about any state they want. Kelly started to show thet can get defensive line talent from the South last cycle, but he had to work magic to do so (he made 300lb Stephon Tuitt disappear, and reappear in a single day-suck it, David Copperfield). If he can continue that success, ND can compete.

-Yep, South Bend winters suck. It may scare off some kids, but the Irish have always been able to recruit California, and even has a certain stud linebacker from Hawaii that was willing to trade pineapples for a winter coat. So, weather is an issue, but it is doubtful that it can keep Notre Dame from making a run.

Look, the fact is, Notre Dame is a challenge. It needs the right coach (same as everywhere else, Florida wasn’t winning with Ron Zook), must balance the academic issue (don’t announce it to the world, but let some kids in that run a 4.4 and need a lot of tutor help), must recruit in the warm-weather states (they have done so, but not at the level needed), and maybe, just maybe, start spraying CFCs to screw up some weather patterns.

However, unless Brian Kelly bombs (he fits the “right coach” criteria, he took Cincinnati to BCS bowls), the Blarney doesn’t think Notre Dame expectations need to go the way of the newspaper. As of now, the Irish can still win.

The scene: An Irish bar called O’Malley’s in downtown Chicago. 5:30 p.m. on a late August Thursday. Sportscenter is on, and the golden maned-Kirk Herbstreit is debating college football issues with the square-spectacled Mark May. A random Notre Dame fan (we’ll call him Dave) is drinking a quick cold one after work-he needs to give himself a quick drink before heading home to a wife and two screaming kids. Herbstreit starts talking about the keys to a successful Notre Dame season.

Dave: Herbstreit better say a healthy Dayne Crist. That’s what we really need.

Bartender: Crist? Nah, that Rees kid went 4-0 to end the season, he’s a winner. He needs to play.

Random patron (to the bartender): You tell ‘em George, Rees is the way to go.

Dave: Rees didn’t go 4-0, he lost to Tulsa! Crist played like one series that game-the loss ain’t on him.

Bartender: 4-0! Crist started Tulsa.

Dave: 4-1! And, Kelly even bailed Rees out by running more, and the defense played MUCH better for Tommy than it did for Dayne. Dayne would have gone undefeated for that stretch too if he has that kind of support.

Random patron: Bullshit! Dayne can’t even keep it in bounds to give his receiver a chance! He’ll throw it clear into the bleachers for no reason! Remember the end of the Michigan game?! Hell, I run for cover whenever Crist throws it up in the air-you never know where it will land.

Dave: That was his first year in the spread offense! He hadn’t mastered the schemes, or the footwork! He wasn’t comfortable yet!

Dave: Look at the numbers, Dayne had more touchdowns, and less interceptions–a quarterback’s most important numbers other than wins. Like I said earlier, he would have had that win number in his favor as well, if the “d” didn’t decide to wait until November to play!

Bartender: Tommy had a better completion percentage, and more touchdowns per attempt. Oh, and he was money enough to be 4-0–before he even had to start shaving! Wait until he matures!

Dave: 4-1! Tommy can’t throw the ball through a 5mph wind, either! Kelly has to call a run if a daisy is swaying in an early fall breeze to protect the ball from going backwards ten yards!

Bartender and patron: Tommy is a gamer. Not pretty, but he wins!

Dave: I could beat Utah, Army, and even SC with Mustain! Dayne played against the best quarterback in the country, an 11-win Michigan State team on the road, and against Denard Robinson when the Irish defense had to have been on the take to give him the Heisman!

Bartender: Tommy!

Dave: Dayne!

Random patron (to Dave): Your wife’s a whore! Tommy’s the answer!

Dave: I know she is! Dayne!

Bartender and random patron: Tommy, you dumbshit!

Dave (swinging at bartender): That’s it!

And then:

And that’s pretty much how it goes…

It’s almost August, and you can start to smell the college football season in the air. And it smells so sweet. Sweet enough that you start losing your “employee of the week” parking space to a different Oompa Loompa every day, and your thinking “‘Where the hell did all these Oompa Loompas come from, and am I going to have to go Legarrette Blount on one of ‘em to show that they can’t mess with my parking space?”, and then you suddenly remember they all are here because of the previously mentioned sweetness in the air due to college football. So, you can’t be mad. The little guys can’t help it. Sweetness is their catnip.

Anyway, college football is almost here, and the unofficial start is SEC Media Days. The Evil Empire. You probably don’t know this, but that conference has won the last five BCS championships. Really, nobody talks about that, ever. You probably won’t see that stat anywhere else the whole rest of the college football season. But, it’s true. So, if you want to know what the Irish and the other schools are going up against (it’s an Everybody vs SEC world, remember, they have won the last five BCS championships… seriously), it’s good to know what the SEC’s prospects are looking like. However, three days of “coachspeak” at Media Days gets you roughly the nutritional value of a Twinkie, so the Blarney has scoured through the notes, and will give you a quick rundown on where the SEC a month before the season gets underway. It’s just something you need to know (well, the highlights, at least). Because I think they’ve won the last four…nope, five, yeah, it’s five BCS championships.

Just like a Budweiser night: Here. We. Go!

1.) Mike Slive thinks kids should want to learn how to read good, and do other stuff good, too.
He talked about reforms such as raising GPA for admission (from 2.0 to 2.5), using real “academic progress”, four year scholarships instead of renewable (making it harder to cut players, as SEC schools are wont to do), and having scholarships that cover cost of attendance. He also thinks you should be able to text and write on a kid’s Facebook wall for recruiting purposes (he is right). He may believe in everything he said, or he may be fishing for some good PR, but either way, just talking about these kinds of things is the way to go.

2.) Nick Saban doesn’t know how the media can be so smart to pick Alabama to win the conference. He sure as hell doesn’t know that. He’s not sure if his team is disciplined enough to win a single game, let alone his West division and entire conference. He’s not even sure if they know how to tackle, or even play this game you call football. He’s never heard of Mark Ingram or Dont’a Hightower. He most likely downplayed his team some more after that. In other words, look out for the Crimson Tide.

3.) Les Miles is still crazy. Let’s be honest here. People like to tease him because he spits out sentences that even an English professor couldn’t diagram. Or because he likes to munch some grass on the sideline (when we all know that he does far more fun things with grass than just eating it). We look at him like he’s One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest with every waking moment. But, his players love him, and he can recruit with the best of them because a 17 year-old kid full of testosterone loves to play for a guy who might call a 100 yard deep bomb on a 1st-and-goal from the opponent’s one-yard line (think Super Tecmo Bowl). If a football coach could spit out a gangsta rap album, it would be Miles. He don’t give a f–k. Miles will be entertaining, LSU will be good, but you don’t win the SEC West over ‘ Bama with Jordan Jefferson at quarterback.

4.) Steve Spurrier will call you stupid to your face if he thinks you are (and that goes for Mike Slive, too). Spurrier doesn’t care if kids can read, that’s what picture books are for. No need for this 2.5 GPA you speak of. He also want to be able to cut players yearly, no questions asked. Spurrier also knows that the saying “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” should be updated to “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes, and Stephen Garcia getting suspended for being an idiot”. All of this is fine, because he is keeping South Carolina’s best players in-state (Jeffery, Lattimore, Clowney), and his team is going to be East favorites, and possibly contend for the whole SEC.

5.) Auburn is apparently not playing this season. Really, all reporters asked about was Cam Newton and possible recruiting transgressions.

6.) Florida will fare better with a pro-style offense. Charlie Weis will help John Brantley tremendously by running an offense that fits the quarterback’s skills. Not even Chuck Norris could have taught Brantley to run a spread-option, and Norris can cure cancer. Muschamp is no-nonsense and a great defensive mind, but the Gator’s overall defensive talent isn’t what is was, and that should keep them behind Carolina in the East, and ‘Bama, LSU, and Arkansas in the West.

7.) Arkansas has to replace Ryan Mallet, but Tyler Wilson will be fine. He has Knile Davis, Greg Childs, and Jarius Wright as playmates, along with a good offensive line. Oh, and Petrino is calling the shots. Arkansas will score, but I don’t think their defensive talent is enough to become tops in the West.

8.) Georgia is snake-bitten. They lose their best lineman (Trinton Sturdivant) every year, and depth is a problem. It’s like their offensive line is made up of action figures, and they belong to a kid who like to toss them in the microwave on high, just to see what happens. Aaron Murray can play, but quarterbacks are as good as their offensive lines. The Dawgs stay behind USC (not that one) and Florida in the East.

9.) Derek Dooley didn’t know he got a law degree to become a stay-at-home mom. The Vols have a roster that is 70% freshman and sophomores. He can teach, teach teach, and “coach ‘em up” all he wants, but that won’t cut in in the SEC (not even the weaker East). Last year, he taught them how to bathe, so what fun could be next? It won’t be a math lesson, that’s for sure.

A bunch of other teams said a bunch of other stuff, but none of them are contenders, or even interesting in a mocking sense.

One step closer to football, fellas.