The best coach on the planet is Urban Meyer. Period. And not just at football, the man is a life coach. If there is a skill that can be taught, he can teach it.

Want to win in college football? Get Urban Meyer as your coach. He has the salesmanship to recruit the best players. He has the savvy to turn them into champions (two national championships in four years, and damn near three). Pete Carroll was close, but he had less championships in more time yo win them. Nick Saban is right up there as well, but Meyer gets the slight edge for now (his salesmanship tops Saban as far as landing players, so the Gators are the safer bet for consistent success).

Want to play the violin? Get Urban Meyer as your coach. Because of his non-stop motor and cyborg-like single-mindedness, Meyer somehow found the time to learn violin under the great Dorothy Delay at the Juilliard School. He has taken the same passion that the great Mrs. Delay had, and combined it with a great natural “feel” for music, giving him the means to produce a concert pianist like nobody’s business.

Want to learn archery? Get Urban Meyer as your coach. His attention to detail ensures that your shooting form will never waver, and your consistency is at a Robin Hood-like level. How else do you think former actress Geena Davis went from Hollywood to one of America’s best archers, despite never touching a bow and arrow before her forties?

Want to learn the true power of a boxing punch? Get Urban Meyer as your coach. His knowledge of motivating athletes combined with studying boxing savants like Steve Petramale have taught him the secret of impact-punching. “The secret is to generate power starting with your legs, followed by rotating your hips so they become a sort of fulcrum, carrying your punching power through your back muscles, then your shoulders, and into your arms (ending with the fist).” Chuck Norris has nothing on this guy.

In fact, he teaches this technique to all of his defensive lineman so they are better able to knock offensive lineman off balance. (Meyer also has them take note on how this technique can help relate to women, either to get their attention from another male, or to punish them from forgetting to cook your favorite meatloaf dinner.) In fact, UF football player Gary Brown was putting this knowledge to use when he slapped around two women at a party in Gainesville.

When asked about the situation, Brown commented,

“Coach, you know, coach said that the best way to get a girl’s attention if she is you know, messin’ with another guy is to be physical with her. She will pay attention after that. I was just, you know, practicin’ on me relating to women.”

When asked if that was the case, why was another woman assaulted, Brown commented,

“You know, coach is so demanding in our efforts every day, that I just couldn’t half-ass it, you know? One wasn’t enough to get the practice I needed.”

Now, that is great coaching.

This message isn’t for the faint-hearted. It is a dog-eat-dog world where winners claw their way to the top, and trample anyone who gets in their way. People will steal money, food, ideas, music, bases, or anything else to to get what they want. For example, Rip Torn (”if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!”) just tried to rob a bank to pay for his booze habits, Aladdin stole bread to survive until a genie taught him he was a diamond in the rough-and had what it took to marry a princess, Ray Kroc took the idea of a family hamburger stand-and turned it into a fast food empire, Napster stole music, and Rickey Henderson stole bases for fame-lots of ‘em.

I bring this up because all the experts believe that the country’s best offensive lineman, Seantrel Henderson, is Ohio State bound on National Signing Day tomorrow. The Irish have a narrow chance (Henderson has Irish ties-he went to the same school as current ND standout Michael Floyd), but it does not seem like it will be enough to get him away from The Vest. Oh, and Notre Dame needs him, too. They haven’t had a dominant offensive lineman in ages. Seantrel is bigger than Bill Gates’s house, allows more fella’s to score than Heidi Fleiss did, and has the athleticism to throw down dunks with the Harlem Globetrotters.

So, Brian Kelly needs to do what is necessary in getting Seantrel to South Bend. Even if it means hiring Jack Bauer for a black ops mission to take out Tressel with rubber bullets, drug Seantrel, pack him up in a van, and drive his ass to Irish Town.

It would go down as one of the great steals of all time, just like these:

The Office. American comedy at its best. Except for the fact that it originated as a British show. Complete with ugly actors (British Pam and Jim aren’t nearly the cute couple), and hard to understand accents. The British version has its moments (naked blow-up doll and dirty toys at work), but not quite the charm of the version Americans stole, and made their own.

Vladimir Putin. The Russian Prime Minister had always dreamed of winning a Super Bowl Ring as a star receiver for the San Francisco 49ers (Jerry Rice had nothing on him). Slick uniforms, good history, and the most delicious Sourdough bread. He got involved in the politic thing instead, so when he took the opportunity to meet New England Patriot owner Robert Kraft, he just stole his ring, instead.

Hayden Wright. A four year old would-be Jesse James. The young Tennessean got into dad’s cooler, grabbed a beer, and went Grinch-style on his next door neighbors, and took their Christmas presents.

Alexander Graham-Bell. The inventor of the telephone. Or more precisely, the guy who was second in line on the idea, but was fortunate enough to work at the very same Western Union Lab that the original inventor sent the original plans to prove the telephone was his idea (he did not have the money to renew the patent, and wanted to sue). Somehow, the plans were lost.

Vincenzo Peruggia. An employee at the Musée du Louvre in Paris, who thought the Mona Lisa belonged to Italy (it’s creator, Leonardo, was a son of Italy, after all). That, plus he wanted his friend who sold copies of it to benefit from the original’s disappearance. He hid in a closet of the museum after hours, and walked right out of the Louvre with the world’s most famous painting hidden under his coat.

(Stories come from Mental Floss, Cracked.com, and good ‘ole Google searching.)

For those that have followed Notre Dame since the Lou Holtz era ended, the NFL Draft has always acted like a dose of sodium thiopental to our brains (never give this to Jack Bauer, unless you want to know how and when he is going to kill you after you cross him) as to why the Irish haven’t fared better on the gridiron.

The truth?

Not enough good players.

And especially not enough difference makers.

Since Lou stepped down following the ‘96 season, the Irish have produced a whopping (in case you can’t see it, “whopping” is supposed to contain a David Spade-level of sarcasm) four 1st round draft picks. (For comparison, the Thomas Jefferson High School For Science and Technology has produced more 1st round NFLers from their chess team in the same period.) Beside that, the Irish only added 12 more picks in the first 3 rounds of the draft during this time. (That kind of action is any given year for a Miami, Ohio State or USC.)

Can’t win like that. No sir, no way. I could go on and name some more teams like I did above, but the only thing that needs to be known is that the programs that win on Saturdays, have plenty of players that end up playing on Sundays.

The 2 coaches between Holtz and Weis couldn’t even figure that part out. No matter what was said about Charlie- at least he knew the Irish needed to get some difference makers.

And that is what he relentlessly tried to do. Through long hours studying film, and long West Coast recruiting trips-Weis gave it his all to upgrade the talent level.

As far as offensive skill talent goes, he did just that.

Mel Kiper has proved that with having both Jimmy Clausen and Golden Tate in his mock first round this year. (I realize this is only a mock draft, but even in that sense, having two ND skill players in the 1st round has been about as likely as a childhood star becoming a productive member of society. Gary Coleman? Corey Haim? Dana Plato?)

Following that, Michael Floyd and Kyle Rudolph will add to those numbers in the next few years.

So, in his short tenure, Charlie Weis will have equaled a ten year output of 1st round talent. (And his guys look to be far more impressive than the ones before-a few decent offensive lineman, and Brady Quinn.)

If the Irish are to win, BK is gonna have to realize what Charlie did, but get even better results (some defensive players would be a good start).