What do you need to know about Dayne Crist?

Dayne Crist is a former 5-star stud, in his junior year at Notre Dame, and is ready to be Notre Dame’s full-time starting quarterback for the first time this season. He kinda has the look of Brady Quinn (we could see Dayne on a Men’s Health cover in the future), he is big, strong, athletic, and has a laser-rocket arm (Like Peyton Manning!). He hasn’t played much, and really only has one memorable play to his career (a long touchdown throw against Washington State-and believe me, it was thrown on a rope).

Oh, and he’s more important to Notre Dame’s football fortunes than this guy is to Dos Equis as they try to validate themselves as a “man’s beer”.

THE DOS EQUIS GUY

So, all of the realignment talk over the last month created one thing more than anything else-conversation. People from conference commissioners to university presidents, to head coaches, to players, to writers, and finally, to fans-all had something to say about the issue.

The thing that I got out of it most? That Notre Dame fans really don’t want the Irish to join a conference.

From my take, here are some things that Notre Dame fans would rather do than have the team join a conference:

1.) Play a game of dodgeball with Stephen Strasburg. No cups allowed!

2.) Get caught with naked pictures of Pete Carroll in their wallet. (Possibly the most disturbing sentence ever written on South Bend Blarney.)

3.) Let their teenage daughter go to prom with Lawrence Taylor.

4.) Have a FIFA official arbitrate any major disagreement that may occur in life. (We hand down the decision, and you’ll never know why!)

5.) Be a pitchman for Extenz, or any other “male enhancement”. “Soon, you’ll be able to feel it!”

6.) Live a shoe salesman’s live, a la Al Bundy.

7.) Lose to Navy 2 out of 3 years.

8.) Watching Jersey Shore-Snookie’s muffin top specifically, in 3-D.

9.) Have teeth like Idol’s Crystal Bowersox.

Notre Dame Tight End Mike Ragone better have a defense for his weed possession. He needs this because he goes to the one school that will bring the hammer down for having just a little fun with some kind bud. (Sarcasm alert: Weed is a horrible, horrible substance that ruined a whole generation, and most respectful college kids these day wouldn’t even think of trying.) While most schools might punish a player for smoking a little grass by making them run an extra lap at practice (Bobby Bowden would use this punishment for any occasion-even if it was armed robbery), or suspending them for a game, Notre Dame will boot you for a whole semester, taking a whole season away (just ask former Irish Point Guard Kyle McAlarney).

So, Mike, you better have some kind of logical defense in mind to fight for your eligibility (and, to be honest, you’re reasoning will have to be Socrates-like to win).

Make Ready the defense:

The pot was for medicinal purposes.

That’ right, Mr. Ragone was just trying to stay of sound body and mind for the season ahead. You see, years of taking various pain killers for numerous knee injuries, his body reacted negatively by reducing his appetite. The only possible solution was to undertake the smoking of Marijuana to bring his hunger back. He needed to be fully vested in the program for his teammates, and the off-season training regimen that (thanks to Brian Kelly) has finally instituted a training table. After all, without being able to eat and take part in the training table nutrition program, Ragone could suffer the same fate as his defensive ‘mates that averaged double-digit pounds lost per player last year (ruining the defense).

Re-establish a “good citizen”, non trouble-making image.

That is, hide the evidence of a Marijuana-loving nature.

1.) Take the Hendrix and Pink Floyd selections off the iPod.

2.) Sort through the DVD collection, getting rid of hits like Dazed and Confused, and The Big Lebowski.

3.) Cancel the vacation to Amsterdam.

4.) Erase the directions in the GPS to the local disc golf course.

5.) Clear the DVR of The Price Is Right episodes, which you record in order to “wake ‘n’ bake to-Santonio Holmes’ style.

Keep that in mind, and good luck, kid. You’ll need it.