POWER. STRENGTH. You know you want it. (Always remember, chicks dig the long ball.) Nothing stirs the imagination quite like witnessing a “how in the hell did they do that?” Herculean feat of might. One that leaves your jaw dropped, your brain confounded, and your ego inspired. You see what can be, the very best in achievement, and you begin to wonder just exactly what you might be capable of. It’s why Guinness World Records is the best-selling series of all time since its conception in 1954. It’s why guys strive to reach the peak of human physiological limits by substituting tomato juice for human growth hormone and synthetic testosterone. And it’s why South Bend Blarney has decided to find 5 feats of strength that we can’t believe:

5.) A Shaolin Monk’s mind over matter. The Kung Fu-fighting style, and ability to focus the mind among Shaolin Monks is legendary. Due to an increased interest in fighting styles of the world (and the knowledge-packed Discovery channel), I was fortunate enough to witness a special on the Shaolin Monks. I saw a monk lay flat on on a bed made of spears (held vertically by other monks below him). His body weight, plus gravity, plus sharp object, should have impaled him. However, the monk’s skin was not even pierced, and he didn’t even bother to show one ounce of pain on his face. Beside that, another monk bent a piece of steel simply by striking it over his head (Try it, I dare you.)

4.) John Evans. In May of 1999, Evans set a world record by balancing a 350lb “mini” car on his head. That’s right, his 24″ neck is strong enough to kick your ass, and take your girl.

3.) Steven Petrosino. In 1977, this guy drank 500ml of beer in .4 seconds. Yep, that’s 16 oz of beer in roughly the time it takes Google to pull up search results for “boobs”.

2.) Wilt Chamberlain sleeps with 20,000 women. Oh, the endurance! People have done the math, and concluded that means he would have had to have slept with one new women a day since he was 15 (using averages). Given that Wilt did believe in foreplay, it is believable that each “sexcapade” lasted at least an hour. The strain on his muscles over his lifetime must have been an unbelievable amount. Talk about testing human limits.

1.) Braxston Cave benches 520lbs. Notre Dame sophomore guard Braxston Cave has redefined “brute strength” with a whopping 520lb bench press achieved during his off season training. He may possess the strongest upper-body in Notre Dame history, and has “transformed” himself in the eyes of Charlie Weis. That it was done under the much-maligned Ruben Mendoza’s conditioning program has to be encouraging for Irish fans-and their faith in player development.

Jon Tenuta came to the Irish last year as a renowned defensive coordinator. He is master of the blitz-and his aim is to overpower your offensive line and make your quarterback bleed. He blitzes nearly as often as teenagers need to pop zits. This year, his presence will be felt to a greater degree than any point last year. Look out quarterbacks, ‘cuz Tenuta is calling the plays. He is relentless, aggressive, and downright vicious with the pressure he brings. It got me to thinking, is there anything I have seen (real or made up) that can match the brutality that Tenuta knows so well? Here’s 5 things that might:

5.) Sweep the Leg. Karate Kid is one of the best 80’s flicks out there. And it brings the vicious. In the tournament, good guy Daniel Larusso has the edge, but Cobra Kai Sensei John Kreese tells his student Johnny Lawrence to sweep Daniel’s already injured leg. And he does. Bastard.

4.) Vlad becomes Dracula. What can be said? The guy liked to impale enemies on stakes for all to see. When you become inspiration for the “King of the Vampires”, you are truly one vicious SOB.

3.) Grand Theft Auto. Steal. Kill. Blow things up. Kill. Nail a prostitute. Kill her. Steal some more. Kill.

2.) The Curb Stomp. American History X is one of the best and most sobering movies I have ever seen. You can’t help but think after you watch it. In one of the most chilling scenes, Edward Norton’s character takes out his (racist) anger on a would be (black) thief by pointing his gun at him and saying “put your f–king mouth on the curb! Now say goodnight.” He then proceeds to stomp on his head, driving it into the pavement. Yikes.

1.) South Central L.A. Most of us wouldn’t survive 5 minutes there. 2 of the most violent gangs around- the Bloods and Crips. Murders. The place that inspired Gangsta Rap to exist, which scared the hell out of white America.

The offseason is where a football season can be made or lost. Football promise can turn into reality as strength, speed, quickness, explosion and stamina are all gained. This is where a no name can develop into an All-America. And Notre Dame has plenty of young talent and potential to work with. Here are 5 Irish players that need their Wheaties to grow strong this offseason (A-Rod would have been fine if he stuck to the magic formula of the breakfast of champions instead of going the ‘roid route).

1.) Steve Filer. This kid came in as a 230ish pounder that can throw down 360 degree dunks on the b-ball court. Add more strength and explosion, and this linebacker could be running from sideline to sideline, chewing up running backs like Pac-Man chews on Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde.

2.) Ethan Johnson. This kid was talented enough to earn significant playing time on the d-line as a freshman. If he can develop further, he will be able to build his dream ranch-style house in the opposing backfield, ‘cuz he will be living there.

3.) Matt Romine. Tackles that protect the quarterbacks blind side need to handle speed off the edge. Romine needs to to add quickness and agility to give Clausen time to throw. His (quick) feet are so valuable they should be outfitted in Nike Undefeated Splatter Trainers.

2.) Kyle Rudolph. This guy might be the most talented tight end to come through Notre Dame stadium (and that is saying a lot). A bigger and stronger Kyle could become the most important player (other than Clausen) on the Irish offense. Between blocking, catching, and running, his skill set is as versatile as a Swiss Army knife.

1.) Tyler Stockton. A highly rated true freshman defensive tackle. He needs to be good right away because the Irish still lack talent in the defensive front. Unfortunately, Notre Dame has true freshman impact the d-line about as often as the fashion world has a heterosexual male designer (I think Tommy Hilfiger, but don’t quote me). A good winter could change that for Stockton.