One time (and only one time) a year, I do imagine that Notre Dame is in a conference-and it always brings a smile to my face. I do this when any sporting publication (in this case, Rivals) conjures up their preseason “All-Conference” teams. Notre Dame is lumped with the other independents- Navy and Army as a “conference”. Because of who they are grouped with, this “all-conference” team is pretty much all Notre Dame, all of the time (see below).

Then (to indulge my ego-well, actually to indulge my id), I make believe that the Irish are in the SEC, and the all-conference team is still “Guinness-heavy” Irish flavored. (In other words, the Irish players are beating out their SEC counterparts for love from the media-which so happens to be the fairy tail-like truest of all love ) Yeah, I knew Julio Jones wasn’t fit to carry Mike Floyd’s or Golden Tate’s jock strap-so he can sit his ass on the “best of the rest” list!

(Fantasy is always fun, especially and it involves Ginger and Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island. Why bother with the great debate of either/or?)

From Rivals:

2009 is the moment of truth for Irish fans, whether you realize it or not. This is the year we get to find out if Notre Dame is still truly relevant in today’s college football. Because if the Irish cannot win with the (experienced) roster it has right now-they will never be an elite program again.

Look at what the Irish would have to “overcome” to win less than 10 and not play in the BCS:

The most accurate pro-style quarterback they have ever had. That’s what Clausen is. He was a much better player than Brady Quinn comparing their first two years (better than #1 draft pick Matt Stafford too)-and this is the year he should really take off. The game should slow down for him, and he should pick apart defenses. He has already shown the uncanny accuracy and arm strength that would make most pros jealous, and putting it all together means he will be what Ron Powlus was supposed to be.

An offensive line with over 100 career starts, and a fresh coaching perspective. Notre Dame’s line should play, and play well. They’ve been put through the fire, and have come out alive (getting through 2007, and 2008). Most were highly-touted recruits (Sam Young was Florida player of the year), and are supposed to be talented. Latina was a respected line coach (note the was), and so is Verducci. If these guys can’t play as a cohesive unit after all their experiences, coaching tidbits and weight-training sessions, than Notre Dame is just incapable of getting good offensive lineman anymore.

2 wide receivers, and a tight end that have “NFL” written all over them. Tate, Floyd, and Rudolph will all play in the NFL. I have not seen an Irish offense with this amount of talent spread out over every position. Points should come in bunches.

Contrary to popular belief, Weis can coach. He has made mistakes in developing young talent. Nobody denies this. But he can “X And O” with the best of ‘em when that talent is ripe (as it is now). Hop in the DeLorean and go back to 2005 if you don’t believe me.

A defense that can run. Darrin Walls, Robert Blanton, and Harrison Smith are as athletic a secondary as there is. Ethan Johnson, Kapron Lewis-Moore, Steve Filer, Darius Fleming, and Manti Te’o give the Irish front 7 playmakers that they haven’t had in ages.

A schedule whose second toughest game is Michigan State. USC would scare any team. But after that? It has to be the Spartans. They always play ND tough. But good teams whip Sparty. Ohio State rolled them last year. Do you think Florida would be scared of Dantonio’s bunch? It is sad that ND has a schedule like this-and that it is actually worrisome.

So yes, it is now or never. ‘Cuz if they don’t win with all that is going for them, we will never be sure that good will happen. Not sure no matter how much “talent” is assembled, how easy the schedule is, or how respected the coaching staff is. It will always be “the next coach can get it done.” It will be a dog chasing its tail without end.

And that is the ugly truth.

Like, Joan Rivers Ugly

POWER. STRENGTH. You know you want it. (Always remember, chicks dig the long ball.) Nothing stirs the imagination quite like witnessing a “how in the hell did they do that?” Herculean feat of might. One that leaves your jaw dropped, your brain confounded, and your ego inspired. You see what can be, the very best in achievement, and you begin to wonder just exactly what you might be capable of. It’s why Guinness World Records is the best-selling series of all time since its conception in 1954. It’s why guys strive to reach the peak of human physiological limits by substituting tomato juice for human growth hormone and synthetic testosterone. And it’s why South Bend Blarney has decided to find 5 feats of strength that we can’t believe:

5.) A Shaolin Monk’s mind over matter. The Kung Fu-fighting style, and ability to focus the mind among Shaolin Monks is legendary. Due to an increased interest in fighting styles of the world (and the knowledge-packed Discovery channel), I was fortunate enough to witness a special on the Shaolin Monks. I saw a monk lay flat on on a bed made of spears (held vertically by other monks below him). His body weight, plus gravity, plus sharp object, should have impaled him. However, the monk’s skin was not even pierced, and he didn’t even bother to show one ounce of pain on his face. Beside that, another monk bent a piece of steel simply by striking it over his head (Try it, I dare you.)

4.) John Evans. In May of 1999, Evans set a world record by balancing a 350lb “mini” car on his head. That’s right, his 24″ neck is strong enough to kick your ass, and take your girl.

3.) Steven Petrosino. In 1977, this guy drank 500ml of beer in .4 seconds. Yep, that’s 16 oz of beer in roughly the time it takes Google to pull up search results for “boobs”.

2.) Wilt Chamberlain sleeps with 20,000 women. Oh, the endurance! People have done the math, and concluded that means he would have had to have slept with one new women a day since he was 15 (using averages). Given that Wilt did believe in foreplay, it is believable that each “sexcapade” lasted at least an hour. The strain on his muscles over his lifetime must have been an unbelievable amount. Talk about testing human limits.

1.) Braxston Cave benches 520lbs. Notre Dame sophomore guard Braxston Cave has redefined “brute strength” with a whopping 520lb bench press achieved during his off season training. He may possess the strongest upper-body in Notre Dame history, and has “transformed” himself in the eyes of Charlie Weis. That it was done under the much-maligned Ruben Mendoza’s conditioning program has to be encouraging for Irish fans-and their faith in player development.