To whom it may concern:

I first heard of Jon Gruden in 2002, and fell instantly in love with him. I had just gotten over a disappointing 5 year relationship with Head Coach Bob Davie, and was tired of watching my Irish sputter to pick up a first down. Run up the middle twice, followed by a quarterback keeper, or option (but never pitched). But it didn’t matter anymore, because there was a new kid in town. This dreamy quarterback guru, blond-haired, blue-eyed NFL coach was supposedly available. He loved Notre Dame, and had almost led the Raiders (The Raiders!) and Rich Gannon (Rich Gannon!) to the Super Bowl. Oh God, he turned me on. He was young, had flowing blond locks (which I have managed to collect quite a few and turn them into a type of voo-doo hair doll-wait that wasn’t for Jon, it was for my crush on Jamie King). He was offensive-minded, and great with quarterbacks. Also, Child’s Play was my favorite horror movie, and I could never resist a Chucky look-alike. But the relationship never materialized, and ND got somebody else.

Crushes aren’t supposed to last 7 years, but Jon has come back into my life. The Tampa Bay Bucs fired him after this season, and now he is available again. I know he still wants to coach ND. The media thinks it can happen, so it must be true. It doesn’t matter what obstacles we have to overcome, or what buyouts must be dealt with. Since I cannot come up with the right words on my own, I leave you with this. Jon, in the words of immortal 80’s pop legend Richard Marx, I am Right Hear Waiting for You.

Sincerely,

Please tell me that no ND fan-
actually thinks Jon Gruden-
is gonna coach the Irish.

Tim Tebow is the most hyped player in modern college football history. Period. (And I’m a Notre Dame fan, so I know something about hype.) Unless you are Amish and don’t believe in the influences of the outside world (tv, internet, or anything with electricity), you may have heard of him (Well, maybe the Amish have too if they read newspapers, wait, nobody does anymore!). His own coach, has lauded him as the best college football player ever. He has a Heisman, 2 national championships, and a legion of adoring fans. He is a saint off the field. The media loves him. He is what college athletics should be about. College football 2009 will be all Tebow, all the time. Whether you want it to or not.

Tebow will be forced down our throats, and the hype will be unbelievable. Will you be able to handle it? To do so, you must be able to separate fact from fiction. But do you know enough about Tebow to know what is real and what is hype? Below are a few statements. The statements are True or False (the answer key is directly below). Take the quiz and see if you can decipher what is real and what is hype. Knowing the difference is the first step to keep yourself calm when the hype machine running at full strength.

Test Your Tebow Knowledge

1.) Tebow is the best quarterback in college football.

T F

2.) Tebow is the best player on his own team.

T F

3.) The Gators would not have won a national championship without Tebow.

T F

4.) Tebow is really a good human being off the field.

T F

5.) After Tebow bangs a girl, he is nice enough to give her cab fare for the ride home.

T F

6.) When Michaelangelo created “David”, the model was Tim Tebow.

T F

7.) Tim Tebow’s head belongs on Mount Rushmore.

T F

Bonus:

By writing about Tebow, I have added to the hype machine, and am therefore a victim of irony.

T F

The Answers:
1.) F, He is a very good college quarterback, but Colt McCoy, Sam Bradford, and Jake Locker are all better.
2.) F, He is the emotional leader, but Percy Harvin is the most dangerous.
3.) T, At the college level, he can do it all, and his team follows his lead.
4.) T, Everyone knows about his work with youths, and his ministry.
5.) F, Tebow just bangs too many girls for it to be economically feasible to pay for all those cab rides, he really wishes he could though (see good person above).
6.) F, Michaelangelo had the foresight to imagine a Tebow in the future, but instead chose a model that was cool with doing full frontal.
7.) F, Rushmore is too prestigious, but he certainly deserves a Wheaties box.
Bonus:
T, My bad.