Lane Kiffin does what he wants.

To whomever he wants.

Whenever he wants.

Basically, He’s Mr. Burns personified. (Bring hands toward each other, and taps fingertips together repeatedly. “I’ve harnessed the sun, so it only shines on South Central, Los Angeles. Excellent”.)

He claws at people. He backstabs. He stretches the truth. He burns bridges. He eats his own (as we will see in a few seconds). As the CEO of USC football (and that’s what a head coach is), you would think he would want to keep his USC relationships strong (not to mention pro coach relationships, playing in the pros is the end game for the blue-chip recruits).

You would be wrong.

He took a baseball bat to that logic when he went behind Titan coach Jeff Fisher’s back (a USC guy, through and through) to hire away an assistant coach. Jeff Fisher didn’t like the way that Lane conducted business. Not one bit. Now, the Titan’s are suing Lane Kiffin.

Since becoming a head coach, Kiffin has been busy making enemies. He has committed numerous recruiting violations, cried “witch” on fellow coaches, taken “school promotion” to a new level by sending pretty coeds away from campus to high school grounds, and now this.

That, plus the guy is just getting started-he’s only in his early 30’s.

Honestly, couldn’t you see him on a future “Bad Boy” CEO list?

Kiffin is capable of any of the activities that these CEO’s were:

-spending $1 million in company money on his wife’s birthday party

-having an affair with an “up and comer” of the company

-limiting shareholders to one question at a shareholder meeting

-bribery through voice mail

-lying in court about a rendezvous arranged by an escort service

Yes, he is capable of all that, plus much more.

Eight Notre Dame players are on Brian Kelly’s “short leash” after being arrested for underage drinking at a South Bend party. Eight players, no really big names, but a few of the offenders are more noteworthy than the others:

Nate Montana (perhaps the most hallowed last name in Irish history).

Steve Filer (All-American athlete at linebacker that ND is awaiting production to match potential).

Tai-ler Jones (could be the second or third receiver in Kelly’s high-octane offense).

As Brian Kelly must play the stern task master (ND strives to keep its good name much more than most, and there have already been previous incidents with weed and fist-fighting.), here are some possible deterrents he could use to help keep his guys out of trouble, and ensure this type of thing doesn’t happen again:

1.) Adding a Mike Leach-run “day care” to the Gug. Causing problems? To the shed you go.

2.) Instituting a sort of “scared straight” program. Perhaps “Drive A Drunken Joe Namath To Town.” Irish players serve as a designated driver to the quarterbacking legend as he goes for a night out, gets sauced, and tries his luck with numerous GILfs (just like a MILF-only the “G” is for grandma). (However, no matter how good the night goes for Namath, nothing erases the pain of his being rejected by Suzy Kolber.)

3.) Forcing a player to take a red-shirt year (I know, I know, ND doesn’t red-shirt, the have “5th year options”) spent in the booth, replacing Pat Haden as Tom Hammond’s color man. The doomed player may even develop a stutter of his own.

4.) Trouble makers must serve as Ashton Kutcher’s intern for a week, keystroking his never-ending Twitter updates. Hands could literally fall off from overuse.

5.) Bringing back Jim “Foul Ball” Sanson (as dubbed by Lou Holtz himself), and the players are forced to run “gassers” based on how many field goals he misses. (He will miss. A lot.)

6.) Sticking a player with the task of tutoring Dez Bryant on the art of social-relationship building. (It can’t be done, the guy just doesn’t understand anything other than catching footballs.)

7.) Sofa pizza, anyone? Big Mike Golic’s sofa pizza, to be exact.

(This is just a sample of a list can become pretty extensive. Catholics, if anything, know how to punish. Feel free to add your own suggestions.)

Reggie Bush took money and benefits from a wannabe agent.

He’s not the first to do so.

He won’t be the last. (Even right now, the action of guys like Marvin Austin, Marcell Dareus and Maurkice Pouncey are being investigated.)

Shady agents are around. That’s the way it is.

I don’t know if they can be stopped. Andy Staples thinks that the only way to stop it it to get the police involved. Others think that you can stop the agents if you pay the players while in college. (It won’t. Not when the agent is doling out even more cash. More money is more money. People can never have enough money.)

Agents that will stop at nothing are part of the problem. So are coaches and athletic departments that institute a straight from the military “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. So are the players who only look out for #1.

Maybe the players should get paid (guys like Reggie Bush do bring schools a lot of money due to ticket sales, television ratings, merchandise, etc.) Maybe they shouldn’t. (Free education that they are welcome to use, future earnings due to being put on a platform to make it to the NFL.)

I’m not here to argue should or shouldn’t. I’m not here to give an answer to the agent problem.

However, I am here to say that any player that does take money under the current setup is channeling his inner Jay-Z toward his teammates and his school. They are the ones that will pay the price. And that can’t be right.

“Can I Get A F–K You?!”