It seems that every day, I see that Brian Kelly is offering a scholarship to a junior prospect. 23 defensive ends. 50 different defensive backs. 8,000 quarterbacks (Kelly especially loves quarterbacks).

The man is simply getting down on his recruiting.

Just like this guy gets down on hamburgers. “Hamburger, hamburger, hamburger, gibbberish, gibbbersih, Robble, Robble”!

You know what? That is super. He’s offering a lot of scholarships, he’s offering to some big names that other big-time programs are offering, and he’s showing that his staff has done a great job of identifying potential help for the program. I would prefer to see the staff being a little more picky with their offers, but Notre Dame will have to start winning on the field before they can start acting like Mack Brown (whose scholarship offers are so respected and so scarce that Thomas Crown has tried to get his hands on them-but fell in love with Rene Russo, instead) as he bats a Ty Cobb wet dream 25 for 30 on offers and acceptances.

Imagine these stories. One is actually real, the other is purely hypothetical.

The Headline:

Man Gives Birth For a Third Time.

The Gist:

Man was once a pretty woman (who competed in Miss Teen USA Pageant). She realized that she liked women-and wished she would have been born a man. so, she gets surgery and hormone treatment to (sort of) turn into a man. She keeps her ovaries. She falls in a love with a woman (who looks kind of mannish anyway, to be honest), who can’t conceive, so man/woman get artificially inseminated, and get pregnant for the both of them.

Shock Value:

A 2, roughly. People and what they do are not surprising in any way.

Headline 2:

Notre Dame Wins 12th Consensus National Championship!

The Gist:

Notre Dame hasn’t won a championship since television was in black and white. They no longer get the best players. Cold-weather teams struggle in general. The SEC rules football. Elite football recruits pay no never mind to academics.

Shock Value:

A 10, easily. Since 1994, Notre Dame more often resembles Northwestern than Notre Dame. For a generation of fans, they have never even come close to winning “the big one”. 5 losses a year is the norm. Notre Dame is as close to beating elite teams as Paris Hilton is from discovering the secret of time travel (Paris, it’s not the Flux Capacitor, I promise).

How sad is it that a man giving birth is a less shocking event than Notre Dame ruling the college football world?

Paul Hornung, ND’ original “golden boy”, is to be the namesake for college football’s newest honor: most versatile player. What does than mean? Well, to give you a proper picture, the Paul Hornung Award would have gone to either C.J. Spiller, or ND’s own Golden Tate if it were awarded this year (a player that can help their team the most in a large variety of ways).

Hornung is one of college football’s all-time greats (think the original Rocket Ismail, plus he could throw, and play defense), the only player special enough to win the Heisman on a losing team, so his name belongs right up there with the Biletnikoffs and Nagurskis.

However, he might have even more fame for the statement “ND must lower admissions to get the black athlete and win”. Technically, he may be right on lowering admissions, he just made the mistake of using the qualifying term “black”. (That’s what we call racial profiling.)

So, occasionally in his honor, the Blarney will bring you Hornung’s Words Of Wisdom, or technically true statements that are worded wrong, and perhaps show some prejudice or some kind of political incorrectness.

Paul Hornung’s Words of Wisdom For 2-17-10:

“Show me a chef that thinks cat is a good menu item, and I will show you a chef that won’t be catering any of my parties. Unless that chef is Chinese, of course. Moo Goo Gai Pan is so good, I don’t care if cat is in it.”