This message isn’t for the faint-hearted. It is a dog-eat-dog world where winners claw their way to the top, and trample anyone who gets in their way. People will steal money, food, ideas, music, bases, or anything else to to get what they want. For example, Rip Torn (”if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!”) just tried to rob a bank to pay for his booze habits, Aladdin stole bread to survive until a genie taught him he was a diamond in the rough-and had what it took to marry a princess, Ray Kroc took the idea of a family hamburger stand-and turned it into a fast food empire, Napster stole music, and Rickey Henderson stole bases for fame-lots of ‘em.

I bring this up because all the experts believe that the country’s best offensive lineman, Seantrel Henderson, is Ohio State bound on National Signing Day tomorrow. The Irish have a narrow chance (Henderson has Irish ties-he went to the same school as current ND standout Michael Floyd), but it does not seem like it will be enough to get him away from The Vest. Oh, and Notre Dame needs him, too. They haven’t had a dominant offensive lineman in ages. Seantrel is bigger than Bill Gates’s house, allows more fella’s to score than Heidi Fleiss did, and has the athleticism to throw down dunks with the Harlem Globetrotters.

So, Brian Kelly needs to do what is necessary in getting Seantrel to South Bend. Even if it means hiring Jack Bauer for a black ops mission to take out Tressel with rubber bullets, drug Seantrel, pack him up in a van, and drive his ass to Irish Town.

It would go down as one of the great steals of all time, just like these:

The Office. American comedy at its best. Except for the fact that it originated as a British show. Complete with ugly actors (British Pam and Jim aren’t nearly the cute couple), and hard to understand accents. The British version has its moments (naked blow-up doll and dirty toys at work), but not quite the charm of the version Americans stole, and made their own.

Vladimir Putin. The Russian Prime Minister had always dreamed of winning a Super Bowl Ring as a star receiver for the San Francisco 49ers (Jerry Rice had nothing on him). Slick uniforms, good history, and the most delicious Sourdough bread. He got involved in the politic thing instead, so when he took the opportunity to meet New England Patriot owner Robert Kraft, he just stole his ring, instead.

Hayden Wright. A four year old would-be Jesse James. The young Tennessean got into dad’s cooler, grabbed a beer, and went Grinch-style on his next door neighbors, and took their Christmas presents.

Alexander Graham-Bell. The inventor of the telephone. Or more precisely, the guy who was second in line on the idea, but was fortunate enough to work at the very same Western Union Lab that the original inventor sent the original plans to prove the telephone was his idea (he did not have the money to renew the patent, and wanted to sue). Somehow, the plans were lost.

Vincenzo Peruggia. An employee at the Musée du Louvre in Paris, who thought the Mona Lisa belonged to Italy (it’s creator, Leonardo, was a son of Italy, after all). That, plus he wanted his friend who sold copies of it to benefit from the original’s disappearance. He hid in a closet of the museum after hours, and walked right out of the Louvre with the world’s most famous painting hidden under his coat.

(Stories come from Mental Floss, Cracked.com, and good ‘ole Google searching.)