Jack Swarbrick, do not be like your predecessors. This is how they rolled-no joke.

How To Hire A New Coach

So…

Let’s boot Lou, he can be a hassle and always wants us to admit questionable recruits.

We’re Notre Dame, so finding a new coach is as easy as Pumpkin Pie. Everyone wants to coach here.

Remember, we have a system…

“Magic 8 ball, should we hire (place hottest or biggest name in coaching here).

“No? Well, how about…”

(Repeat process.)

Things are going so bad for the Irish that their star quarterback and future 1st Round NFL Draft choice can’t even enjoy an evening having a cold one with his family at a local watering hole.

After the loss to UConn last Saturday, Jimmy Clausen got punched at South Bend’s C.J.’s Pub. Not exactly the kind of thing you expect to happen to a Domer. The most likely scenario is that this was started by a drunken fan who took exception to the team’s performance/Charlie Weis’s tenure-and it got ugly.

But, the Blarney has 5 suspects that are also highly likely:

1.) LeGarrette Blount. The Oregon running back is a serial-puncher who likes nothing more than to send a flying fist toward some innocent’s direction. That’s just how he plays the game. He has been low key since his self-destruction at Boise State to start the season, but the urge is never far from the surface for this Tyson-wannabe, and a golden boy quarterback’s eye socket is prime real estate. And with this world being smaller than ever-there was a chance he was in South Bend that night (who doesn’t love drinking at C.J.’s?).

2.) Debo. Jimmy comes from a well-to-do family, and this “scourge of people’s belongings” may have wanted a new Guru Geneo bicycle to get around town-and thought he could take one from Clausen. Plus, somebody has to keep Chris Tucker employed by knocking people out so Tucker can go around and shout “You got knocked the f— out!” (He has that saying trademarked, and these entrepreneurs set up a website of “You got knocked the f— out!” moments, the people watch, and the advertisers pay up.)

3.) Rocky. Don’t blame him. I defy you to listen to “Eye Of The Tiger” every day, for 27 years straight, to get pumped up for your next boxing match, and control that accompanying adrenaline rush to the point where you don’t feel like punching someone in the face. Especially a Notre Dame quarterback who is so not working class like you.

4.) Oscar The Grouch. Word is that he lives in a trash can outside of C.J.’s. And if you lived in a trash can, you might fell like punching someone too.

5.) Adam Lambert. Took out his rage for having his gayness censored on Clausen. It was like a train that Jimmy was just unfortunate enough to be in front of.

We all can see the writing on the wall, and know that Charlie Weis is on his way out as Notre Dame’s head coach. He will be appreciated by some for his efforts, but mocked by most for his arrogance (perceived or otherwise). He will be lambasted for his “Jersey Guy” attitude, and “rough around the edges” demeanor. Most of all, he will be flogged because of his self-confidence, and the resulting words uttered back in 2004:

“6-5 is not good enough Not good enough for you, and certainly not good enough for me.”

It took a full 5 years to finalize, but Weis could not back up his words with corrective actions. He will soon pay the price, and Notre Dame is paying the price by being another year further removed from elite status.

I believe Charlie tried with all of his heart, all of his mind, and all of his soul, but in the end, not being able to back up his words is what will do him in.

Oh, those damn Famous Last Words.

So with that, here comes a bit of knowledge for you (because Charlie shouldn’t be left alone in this):

And also because, everyone should have some words to be remembered by.

“Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!”
Groucho Marx

“I have a terrific headache”.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who died of a massive cerebral hemorrhage.

“Thank God. I’m tired of being the funniest person in the room.”
Del Close, improvisor, teacher and comedian, died 1999

“I know you’ve come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man.”
Che Guevara

“I’m bored with it all.”
Winston Churchill, before slipping into a coma and dying nine days later.

“They couldn’t hit an elephant at this distance.”
General John Sedgwick, Union Commander in the U.S. Civil War, who was hit by sniper fire a few minutes after saying it.

“My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go.”
Oscar Wilde

“Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.”
Francisco (”Pancho”) Villa

“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.”
François Rabelais, writer, d. 1553

“I’ve had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that’s the record . . .”
Dylan Thomas, poet, d. 1953

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but a few words can still mean much.