So… every Notre Dame game this season will be decided in the final 30 seconds, and by less than a touchdown. Why win easy when you can add some drama to it (sponsors that get the late ad spots thank you)? And, has an Irish fan been able to sit down during the 4th quarter at all during the last 3 games? Since Charlie Weis and Co. thought they should take it upon themselves to get ND fans’ hearts pumping to seriously dangerous levels, South Bend Blarney thought it would find 5 dangerous activities for a heart still safer than watching Notre Dame football:

5.) Taking grandpa to a strip club. He’s old and his blood pressure is high. He spends his life in the rocking chair, so any stimulation outside of that gets his heart pumping. He hasn’t seen a young, beautiful naked woman since 1972. So, what do you think will happen to him when you give him a buck and sit him by the stage?

4.) Finding out you first girl’s dad is country singer Rodney Atkins. “I’m just sittin’ here cleanin’ this gun…

3.) Starting your first day as a driving instructor, and your first student is a 15 year old girl. First she’ll say “hello”, then you’ll hear a crash, and a “my bad!”.

2.) Drag racing with Nick Hogan (yeah, the Hulkster’s son). I hate to say this, but it would be better to stay home and watch the awful “Fast And Furious” movies.

1.) Being Morgan Spurlock inSuper Size Me. McDonald’s anyone?

Going in to Purdue week, Notre Dame has some issues that need to be figured out. The situations aren’t necessarily good or bad yet-but they could turn into either of those. It all starts with how the Irish perform on the field in West Lafayette on Saturday. I guess it’s sorta like being a parent in the 80’s, and finding some white powder in your kid’s book bag. You don’t know what it is yet but you have to address the situation. It could be:

1.) Cocaine-the hip drug of choice for that era. The next step is lots of crying, then moving on to Nancy Reagan propaganda and sitting your child in front of the t.v. to watch an egg fry on a skillet. “This is your brain on drugs…”

2.) Some innocent Johnson & Johnson Baby powder. Everything is okay, your child just wanted to put a stop to sweaty sock before gym class.

That being said, here are some issues facing Notre Dame as they head towards Purdue.

Jimmy Clausen’s turf toe. The best quarterback in the nation that nobody is talking about has bigger fish to fry than the fact that his water cooler buzz ranks somewhere between “The CEO’s wife fondled me at the company dinner last night” and “What is Jaleel White up to these days?” Turf toe is highly painful, and it sticks around like celebrity sex videos. Clausen will have to fight through the pain of planting on his right foot-and it may affect his velocity and accuracy. Jimmy must continue to prove that he is mentally stronger than at any point in his career-and his receivers must step up for him.

Armando Allen’s ankle. SShhh! He’s a secret! Allen is helping this offense click with the way he is running the ball to keep a defense honest, and his blocking in the passing game. Clausen, Tate and Floyd get the pub, but Allen is like the Arm & Hammer baking powder your mom used to use to keep the fridge fresh. You never knew why the refrigerator smelled so good-and why that left over Spaghetti always looked extra delicious, but that baking powder was the reason. He is averaging over 5 and half, picking up all his short yardage first downs, and running extremely tough between the tackles. Maybe even more importantly, he is giving Clausen that extra split-second to go down the field for the big gain. Either he needs to be healthy, or Jonas Gray needs to tattoo “The 5 steps to blocking correctly” on his skin A la Michael Scofield.

Stepping up for Floyd. Losing the best big play receiver in the nation and a future NFL 1st round pick is gonna hurt, period. Tight End Kyle Rudolph is a weapon of mass destruction, but Duval Kamara, Shaq Evans, Deion Walker, and John Goodman need to prove that one of them is more than a paintball gun. Clausen is only as good as the guys he throws to.

Stopping Ralph Bolden. Purdue has a very dangerous running back, and the Irish run d puts up as much resistance as the women of More To Lovethat are asked to upsize their popcorn to a large when they go to a movie by themselves. If the Irish don’t stop Bolden and keep the Purdue offense off the field, the Irish could be looking at 2-2.

So, after looking at the issues, can Notre Dame deal with them?

Notre Dame still has Golden Tate. Stud.

Notre Dame has Jimmy Clausen. Stud. (But his toe had better borrow Britney Spears’s bodyguard-it cannot afford any more calamity.)

And Notre Dame has a new found running game with a nastier (that’s right, I said it) offensive line and Armando Allen finally looking like a stud.

But, I can’t help but remember what Notre Dame’s offense looked like the last time it went Floyd-less.

Something like:

Your Worst Nightmare

Whether it’s better line play, Jimmy Clausen being in complete control, the running duo of Armando Allen and Jonas Gray, the re-emergence of Duval Kamara, or the emergence of Shaq Evans or Deion Walker, let’s hope that it is different this time around.