The Brits have it right. Especially the Monty Python boys. “It’s all about the understatement.” They know the truth is this: nothing can bring attention to a situation quite like using the art of the understatement. (Lou Holtz must have bought into this when he poor-mouthed his teams by saying things like-with Reggie Brooks and Jerome Bettis in the backfield, mind you–”how we’ll gain rushing yards against Stanford, I don’t know.” Yeah, a victory and 250 rushing yards later and Lou must have had a slight idea how.) So, when the Black Knight gets both of his arms chopped off in battle and says “it’s only a flesh wound” while he’s still kicking away, the divergence of the words said and the scene you actually see impacts your mind in a much greater way then if the words and scene had been congruent. It “shocks” your mind into realizing the seriousness of what is taking place.

Keeping that in mind, Notre Dame football is in a combustible situation. The team has been lousy (read any Pat Forde article to see the numbers), the coach is in danger of being canned, and the program is far away from its glory days (the Irish have one 6 year stretch of great football since the 70’s.)

But, hope is not lost for 2 reasons:
1.) Weis is a smart coach that knows football.
2.) Notre Dame has talent.

However, that is not enough to go on. Something needs to happen on the field to show that this Notre Dame team has talent that can produce, and that it is a different team from the one that dive-bombed at the end of 2008.

So, in the spirit of Monty Python, here are 5 big understatements surrounding Notre Dame that must be dealt with to have the type of season fans have been waiting for.

Understatement 1: Jimmy Clausen must make less mistakes.

The kid can throw the football on the dime anywhere he wants to, but forcing the ball led to trouble down the stretch (highlighted by the 4int beauty against Boston College). He needs to move better in the pocket, have patience before taking the deep shot, and check down. The “gunslinger” mentality is about as relevant as cigarettes being considered healthy (see early 1900’s) in today’s game. Just take what the defense gives you.

Understatement 2: Notre Dame needs a running game.

The Irish have been averaging 2 and 3 yards a carry for the last two years. They have not been able to run when holding the lead. Defenses have been able to drop 8 in coverage and still stop the running game with 3 up front. Clausen has shouldered an extremely large load in this offense-too much for a young quarterback. Notre Dame needs to average 4.5 per carry and be a threat to run for 200 yards in any given game. No run? No win.

Understatement 3: The defensive line must not wear down.

Lack of overall depth, and lack of frontline players have hurt Notre Dame’s defenses recently. If a team had a decent running game (Javon Ringer and MSU, LeSean McCoy and Pitt)-they got the yards they wanted because the Irish D always wore down. There are more bodies now–Kapron Lewis-Moore, Hafis Williams, Ian Williams, Ethan Johnson, Kerry Neal, Darius Fleming, Steve Filer (pass rushing specialist), and maybe Brandon Newman. That is a lot of names, but we’ll see how many Weis actually plays, and if they can take care of business on the field.

Understatement 4:The defense must be able to attack.

Opposing quarterbacks haven’t had a really rough day against an Irish defense in some time. Even with Tenuta (who sends his first blitz before a bowl of Cheerios in the morning), the Irish had to abandon attack mode early in the season because quarterbacks were still getting the ball off and not getting hit. With guys like Neal, Filer, Fleming, and now Te’o-this aspect has to change as much as any on the defense. The Irish “D” needs to get in the opposing backfield much more often. At least as often as a 13 year old boy tries to break into his old man’s Playboy collection.

Understatement 5 : ND needs to make some field goals.

The images of Brandon Walker burying his head after yet another missed field goal. The images of Weis going for it on yet another Tecmo-style 4th and 99 because his kicker wasn’t gonna make it. The easiest solution? Out with the old, in with the new. Apparently Nick Tausch can make some field goals-and Notre Dame needs that.

Notre Dame football cannot be any more downplayed than those 5 things above. And nothing about Notre Dame football can be truer, either.

“Nasty” comes in many shapes and forms. It can be how Ludacris like his women-”lady in the street, but freak in the bed”. It can be like your old college roommate who you didn’t go to the bathroom after unless you had on your infrared specs, combat boots, and Lysol can grenades blastin’ away the stink. But mostly, it means a certain attitude. People that will do anything to get what they want, and you best stay out of their way. A lot of people that make it famous or strike it rich have this kind of attitude. Winning sports teams have it (and we all remember Charlie’s promise of a “nasty” football team) in bunches. Now, there is always a list of “nasty” people (some are still on for things done waay in the past, but the actions still resonate today) and the Blarney brings you this one because for the first time since Chris Zorich roamed the sideline, a Notre Dame player finds his way onto the list.

10 People Who Bring The Nasty

10.) John Calipari. This college basketball coach is one of the premier program-builders of this era. He’s made Final Fours with UMASS (who has no business being good) and Memphis. The problem is, he wants to build a winner so badly, he doesn’t bother with “pesky” rules of the game. Have a fill-in take an entrance exam for a star player? No problem. Pay off an athlete? Done. Calipari was the kid who would take Monopoly money from the pile when you weren’t looking so he could put property on Boardwalk.

9.) Andy Samberg. One of SNL’s newest “it” guys. He writes some of the funniest songs out there. Old dating moves like the “oops, we ran out of gas”, and the “penis in the popcorn” are too old school for this guy-he upped it a notch by truly making the first gift that “keeps on giving”. Oh, and don’t leave him around your mother, either.

8.) Howard Stern. Strippers, porn stars, and whores, oh my! This guy ruled the airwaves (and now outer-space waves) by generally doing his best to offend conservative America. The best way to do that? Naked women, and lots of ‘em.

7.) Dennis Leary. Hey, let’s face it, this comedian is an asshole. He doesn’t believe in no smoking sections, and doesn’t think you should get a special parking spot just because you have to wheel yourself around in a chair.

6.) Walter A. Anderson. The founder of White Castle. The fast food chain that has wreaked more havoc on your digestive system than any other in the history of grease. Because of this place, we now know what a “Slyder” is.

5.) Eric Olsen. The Notre Dame center welcomed freshman sensation Manti Te’o to the field by pancaking him during a practice. When Te’o make the mistake of trying to get back up, Olsen shoved him down again. That’s right, stay down son. That is the attitude that Notre Dame players have often been missing, and the only thing Olsen could have done better is peeing on the field to mark his territory.

4.) Nikki Six. The bassist for Motley Crue had so much love for getting f’d up on drugs, that he actually decided to shoot up hard alcohol into his system one time. That’s right, drinking it didn’t do the job fast enough, he took liquor and a needle, and injected it into his veins. Wow.

3.) Martha Stewart. Starting a “DIY” empire and living like a queen wasn’t enough for greedy Martha. So, when she had the opportunity to make more money in the stock market with the help of inside information, she took it.

2.) Jeffrey Skilling. The former Enron president is one of the shadiest business man alive. To wit: “Under Skilling, Enron adopted mark to market accounting, in which anticipated future profits from any deal were tabulated as if real today. Thus, Enron could record gains from what over time might turn out losses.” This led to hiding debt, and manipulating stock price. Why build trust in your company by actually making profits when you when you can use David Copperfield-like accounting magic?

1.) “Jo-Jo” Williams. This is a man who who loved getting laid so much that he was on trial in the 90’s for “knowingly giving hundreds of women” the Aids virus. It was the women’s fault that they got into the situation they were in though, “because women should have been taught to keep their legs closed.”

Note: Some of the people on this list let the “nasty” take over logic and reasoning and went “just a little” too far. My hope is that more ND players start to blend the “nasty” into their play, but also with a little bit of brain power as well.

Dear 2009 Notre Dame football team,

Expectations are high this season. With so many returning starters, key players reaching maturity, a big win in last year’s bowl game, and a pretty light schedule, even the “haters” are predicting 9 or 10 wins. From reports, the team seems confident and hungry. The coaching changes appear to be working. Parallels with previous seasons are everywhere – chiefly among them: a 1987 team that started hot, but trailed off at the end (2008) that morphed into a 1988 team that beat everyone (2009). I have but one pressing plea: PLEASE DON’T OVERLOOK NEVADA.

Nevada enters this game a clear underdog. You have more talent. You have more depth. Notre Dame is a big-name program. Nevada, on the other hand, doesn’t care about these things. They had a tremendous rushing attack last year. They have a dangerous dual-threat QB. They return quite a few starters as well. Another trend this summer has been the number of mentions of Nevada as the new Boise State. We are expected to know Colin Kaepernick’s name by the end of the season. They have an offensive attack that is unique (pistol or whatever they call it). And, I’m sorry to say, until you show sustained excellence for more than a few games, the ND “mystique” won’t be returning any time soon. Nevada won’t be awed by the dome or Touchdown Jesus. South Bend isn’t a particularly difficult place to play anyway.

On the other end of things, you are expected to win 10 or 11 games, and maybe even upset USC. It’s BCS here we come! You remember nearly losing to SDSU last year, right? You remember ACTUALLY losing to Syracuse? At home. After being up by 2 scores. In the 4th quarter. You simply cannot overlook this Nevada team. A loss at home to a “cupcake” team would end the season before it even begins.

Perhaps your offense can’t be stopped. Maybe you have the best defense that ND has had since the Davie era. There seems to be depth and talent everywhere. But please – I am begging now – please come ready to play on September 5th. The fate of the program depends on it.

Sincerely,

Long-time Irish fan