No defensive freshman has arrived to South Bend with more hype. Ever. Prognosticators and reporters are already saying he is sure to start, and look to him as one of the top Irish players to make an impact this year. And this was before he ever set foot on campus.

The expectations were huge from the beginning. Coaches loved him. Recruiting sites loved him. Other players loved him. And, for the Irish Nation that is still in love with him (he is suiting up for Notre Dame, after all.), they are bordering on absurd.

I began to question the realism of these expectations, and wandered what this kid could actually do, but then I came across his Matchmaker Personal that started it all, and finally see why all this hype is warranted.

“The Hawaiian Hercules”

18 year old male seeking gridiron glory.

Looking for: “enjoyable Saturday afternoons with my forearm plastered in the ribcages of unlucky quarterbacks on college football’s biggest stages. Would love to play for a school with prestige, power, and preferably gold helmets… Tons of horny, beautiful girls to practice pelvic thrusts on is a plus, but not necessary”

My (ahem) attributes:

Height: between 6′2″ and 8′6″, depending on if I am standing straight up
Weight: Not sure, I was supposed to get a custom-designed scale made specially for Andre The Giant, but it never was delivered by FEDEX
Skin Tone: A beautiful island bronze
Body Type: Very Athletic, with muscle built upon muscle so it looks like a pair of midgets are boxing under my shirt when I move.
Sexual Appetite: Insatiable. We’re talking Triple Whopper, large fry and drink, and one of those Hershey Sunday pies. Then, it’s on to the prime rib buffet…
40 time: Not sure, the stopwatches are too scared to track the time.
Tackling: Players see me coming, and just fall to the ground.
Awareness: I should show Belichick how to really run a 3-4.

Anything else?

Other than that, I am a quiet guy who enjoys the beach and reading a good Stephen King novel. I have a big heart, and can’t resist the smell of chocolate chip cookies. I am looking forward to meeting you, and hope you want to meet me too!

It wasn’t so long ago that Notre Dame had to deal with the “good up front, but no playmaker” stigma that haunts teams from the midwest (think Wisconsin). Now, thanks to Golden Tate, Mike Floyd, Kyle Rudolph etc, the world realizes Notre Dame has the skill talent to match up with anybody. Given good play up front, the Irish are gonna put on an offensive clinic this year.

And while they are doing so, the biggest of the big play guys will be Golden Tate. Here are some of the things he plans to do this season:

TO DO LIST

10.) Keep up his blogging career by writing a guest post on South Bend Blarney. (That’s right, dream big son.)

9.) See Kim Kardashian’s ass in person. Can it really be that big?

8.) A kick and punt return for a touchdown. Were talking reversing the field three times, cross-cuttin’, zig-zaggin’, ping-pongin’, jaw-droppin’, taking it to the house like Peter Warrick used to do. Preferably in the same game.

7.) Having the rapport with Jimmy Clausen to be the quarterbacks’ personal third down “get outta jail” card.

6.) To punch Brent Musburger in the face. Somebody has to take down the king of exaggeration for the good of America.

5.) 5 plays like this.

4.) To personally treat USC stud safety Taylor Mays like 80’s pop icon George Micheal likes to treat himself in public restrooms. (Hint: Straight abusin’ him.)

3.) 1400 yards and 16 touchdowns. ‘Cuz goofy-looking white guys like Jeff Samardzija shouldn’t hold receiving records of any kind.

2.) 1st team All-American. We can’t make Phil “The Bible” Steele look like he doesn’t know what he is talking about, can we?

1.) Undefeated season and National Championship. ‘Cuz Eff the Notre Dame haters.

College football is about two things:

1.) recruiting
2.) the haves and have nots

And technically the second thing leads to being better in the first, so you could say it’s all about recruiting. Or, taking it further with USC, you could say It’s All About The Benjamins (they pay for recruits like Charlie Sheen payed for Heidi Fleiss hookers). Anyway, the more good players you can get, the better you will be.

So, who has it the easiest as far as snatching up mega-recruits?

11.) Georgia. The peach state also knows what to do with a pigskin. The Dawg’s have always been a good program, and now they are bordering on elite. The dirty south continues to grow in population, and HotLanta is home to big companies and tons of jobs. Hence, a lot of talent to choose from.

10.) LSU. Not many schools have are stocked in talent like the Cajuns are. Talent-rich catholic high schools (Warrick Dunn, Peyton Manning-though he didn’t choose LSU) give a coach that can recruit a roster stocked in talent that would make almost anyone else jealous.

9.) Oklahoma. Not many schools can match the winning and boozing (I dare you to try and throw down shots of Jack with Barry Switzer, you will be passed out at Waffle House by noon, and he will be at his 3rd strip club) tradition of the Sooners. That tradition, combined with the fact that they can invade Texas for premium high school talent is why this program continually remains near the top.

8.) Michigan. One of the programs you think about when you think college football. That, plus many youngsters get attached to the school because of their traditionally cool unis, and tons of licensed Nike gear.

7.) Ohio State. Another program that is ripe with a tradition of being bad-asses. When you add in the fact that Ohio plays some of the best high school football around, it is no wonder things are often good in Buckeye land.

6.) Notre Dame. College football’s biggest name. The Irish can command the attention of any player nationwide, but performance for the last decade beg the question of what type of talent the Irish are actually getting. The jury is still out on the quality of coaching, so the Irish are at this spot based on name, but have the potential to move up or down on this list.

5.)/4.)/3.) FSU/Florida/Miami. Really these schools can be in any order. Florida is to high school football as what Angelina Jolie is to lips. The state breeds a ridiculous amount of talent, and the hot program reaps the most benefit. The Gators have it now, but Miami is dangerous with the right coach. The only thing that hurts these schools is the cutthroat competition for Florida players.

2.) USC. Sunny California, pretty girls, and some of the best high school ballers around. (Minus a few points because even though Snoop Dog is around, he is but an old man shadow of his former thuggish-self.) It’s really almost too easy to get kids to play for this school based on just the natural (non-pay) perks. This is one of the top college programs around, but a down period in the 90’s show that all schools need the right guy in charge to win.

1.) Texas. Pretty much everything in common with USC, but the edge goes to Texas because of the borderline fanaticism for the Horns that the in state kids (and future star players) grow up with. That, and because of the ease on which you can meet up with a 32oz steak.