No defensive freshman has arrived to South Bend with more hype. Ever. Prognosticators and reporters are already saying he is sure to start, and look to him as one of the top Irish players to make an impact this year. And this was before he ever set foot on campus.

The expectations were huge from the beginning. Coaches loved him. Recruiting sites loved him. Other players loved him. And, for the Irish Nation that is still in love with him (he is suiting up for Notre Dame, after all.), they are bordering on absurd.

I began to question the realism of these expectations, and wandered what this kid could actually do, but then I came across his Matchmaker Personal that started it all, and finally see why all this hype is warranted.

“The Hawaiian Hercules”

18 year old male seeking gridiron glory.

Looking for: “enjoyable Saturday afternoons with my forearm plastered in the ribcages of unlucky quarterbacks on college football’s biggest stages. Would love to play for a school with prestige, power, and preferably gold helmets… Tons of horny, beautiful girls to practice pelvic thrusts on is a plus, but not necessary”

My (ahem) attributes:

Height: between 6′2″ and 8′6″, depending on if I am standing straight up
Weight: Not sure, I was supposed to get a custom-designed scale made specially for Andre The Giant, but it never was delivered by FEDEX
Skin Tone: A beautiful island bronze
Body Type: Very Athletic, with muscle built upon muscle so it looks like a pair of midgets are boxing under my shirt when I move.
Sexual Appetite: Insatiable. We’re talking Triple Whopper, large fry and drink, and one of those Hershey Sunday pies. Then, it’s on to the prime rib buffet…
40 time: Not sure, the stopwatches are too scared to track the time.
Tackling: Players see me coming, and just fall to the ground.
Awareness: I should show Belichick how to really run a 3-4.

Anything else?

Other than that, I am a quiet guy who enjoys the beach and reading a good Stephen King novel. I have a big heart, and can’t resist the smell of chocolate chip cookies. I am looking forward to meeting you, and hope you want to meet me too!