Season (series?) finale of the great 24 on Fox tonight. I’m hopin’ Jack puts on his killing jeans tonight, ‘cuz Tony (traitor, coward, scum of the earth, the new Nina Myers) needs to die. Beside that, here a 5 ND enemies that I would like to leave alone with Mr. Bauer:

5.) Mark Sanchez. The newest Trojan qb to use the Irish secondary like toilet paper (abuse and discard when necessary), and stroll into the NFL with the cockiness of Tom Cruise in Top Gun. “The Alpha male that even other alpha males look up to” is probably good enough to be a decent pro quarterback, but deserves torture for what he did to the Irish. Send in Jack. Not even USC’s offensive could protect him from Bauer after a Notre Dame official informs him that Sanchez was up to his old harassment tricks with (his) daughter Kim. Game over. Bauer puts 10 rounds right between Sanchez’s eyes.

4.) Mark May. ESPN’s resident Notre Dame hater has poor-mouthed the Irish for years. Maybe because the Irish are the premier midwestern program and his Pitt Panthers aren’t, or maybe because they has the audacity to fire a black coach. Who knows where his hatred comes from. May won’t be able to make his money bashing Notre Dame any longer when Jack removes his tongue with an 8″ carbon-fiber combat knife.

3.) ‘91 Orange Bowl referees. These bastards took away possibly the greatest Notre Dame moment of the last 30 years by calling a clip where the ND blocker put his head in front of the Colorado defender’s chest. It was a judgment call, and it was the Irish’s fault for being in that position…but, what a return from Ismail! Payback is a “B” as Bauer snipes the entire crew.

2.) Pete Carroll. No man has taken Notre Dame’s dignity on the field more. Beatdown after beatdown administered this decade, with no end in sight. Jack ends this “Hollywood horror” by planting explosives in the equipment bags on the practice field, and remote detonating using his Blackberry.

1.) Urban Meyer. The hottest coach/most ruthless dictator on the planet right now. 2 out of the last three national championships, and the best program in the ridiculously-deep SEC. Also rules with an iron fist, and will not allow anyone to criticize his program. But his biggest crime is the hypocrisy of citing love for ND, and then spurning the school when he was needed. Jack makes him pay for his crimes the old fashioned way, choking the life out of him with his bare hands until Meyer’s eyeballs pop out of their sockets.

Gruesome violence for sure, but these guys deserve it.

Spring brings weeks of rain. Much of April is spent under a perpetual cloud as storm after storm rolls through and dumps precipitation on our picnic plans. (Note, I just went through a particularly wet couple of weeks). For Irish fans, the past 15 or so football seasons have brought different types of storms. We’ve been privy to countless teams that have found a way to lose in every imaginable way, including blowouts, nail-biters, lost leads, poor clock management, untimely turnovers, no offense, no defense, and a general lack of urgency. Why would this trend change this year? Following is a description of ND’s first 0-12 season.

Sept. 5 Nevada – Notre Dame has lost to seemingly “weak” opponents nearly every season. In fact, opening with an unexpected loss is almost as much of a tradition as the playing of the 1812 Overture before the fourth quarter. Think: Northwestern in 1994; BYU in 2004; SD St. (almost) in 2008. This year, ND comes out flat, quickly devolves into “here we go again” and promptly opens the season 0-1 as Nevada marches up and down the field.

Sept. 12 at Michigan – Michigan may be down, but Rich-Rod is a proven winner in college. Blue’s D coordinator simply replays his game plan from last year’s Syracuse loss. Tate Forcier, despite his scrawny arms, resembles the second coming. Michigan’s defense reintroduces itself to Jimmy Clausen, having missed him a great deal since sacking him 50 times in 2007.

Sept. 19 Michigan State – ND’s “new” run game hits a brick wall, also known as the back of the offensive line. Sparty pulls out a win on the game’s last play, channeling games in 1999, 2000, and 2001. ND is 0-3 for the third time in history, and the third time this decade.

Sept. 26 at Purdue – Down on itself, the defense lets the Boilers score at will. ND’s dynamic offense is stymied as Weis gives up all pretense of balance.

Oct. 3 Washington – Ty Willingham watches from his new job in the studio at ESPN as the Huskies’ Jake Locker goes crazy and single-handedly wins U-Dub’s first game of the season. For the first time in 3 decades, a home game isn’t sold out. Clausen is featured in the “biggest recruiting busts” column written by Mel Kiper. Golden Tate gives up football for baseball. Michael Floyd transfers to a WAC school, citing a desire to play D-1 football.

Oct. 17 Southern California – As USC marches to a 5 TD halftime lead, Weis neglects to return the field for the third quarter. New interim coach Corwin Brown watches helplessly as the SC scout team tacks on a few garbage time scores. Clausen is broken in half while being sacked in the 4th quarter and Dayne Crist refuses to go on the field. The new Montana era begins, and ends, in ignominious fashion with a 4-interceptions-in-4-minutes performance.

Oct. 24 Boston College – BC wins again. High school students begin to list ND as the backup school, rather than the Eagles. Super freshman Manti Te’o transfers to USC. Corwin Brown resigns, citing a desire to have a future in college football. ND floats back-channel offers to join the Big 10, but the conference states that applicants are required to have football programs.

Oct. 31 Washington State @San Antonio, TX – Any hopes of making recruiting inroads in Texas are quickly dashed as the Cougars play keep away for 4 quarters. Even dedicated followers of the team can no longer keep track of who the starters are, as many players are walk-ons picked up from dorm squads. Facing bankruptcy due to a lack of Saturday afternoon advertising, NBC offers a television deal to “anyone else.”

Nov. 7 Navy – When asked if the Irish will have trouble with Navy’s triple option, new head coach Jon Tenuta shouts “What do you think??!” and promptly quits, not just the program, but coaching all together. The University offers tuition refunds to all freshman students, attempting to hold some semblance of a class for graduation in 2013.

Nov. 14 at Pittsburgh – Special university guest, Pope Benedict XVI, says that he’s never really liked Notre Dame. The nation of Ireland sues the school for defamation. Meanwhile, on the field, Pitt wins by forfeit as the first player-coach in over 100 years, kicker Brandon Walker, fails to convince his roommate to leave the dining hall in time for the game.

Nov. 21 Connecticut – After a rogue meteor strikes the Administration Building, and a fluke volcano swallows up the stadium, the UCONN game is played at a park down the street. The University sends out coaching offers to anyone distantly related to Knute Rockne, followed by anyone named Rockne, and then anyone who has seen Rudy. UCONN towel boy rushes for 200 yards and 4 touchdowns in game of two-hand touch.

Nov. 28 at Stanford – In a game dedicated to Regis Philbin, who unexpectedly and spontaneously burst into flames 2 days prior, the Irish wake the echoes one last time in an effort as inspired as it is pointless. The Cardinal wins by 6 TDs, but ND scores its first points in 7 games – a safety when the Stanford QB trips in the end zone

Following the worst season in the history of western civilization, the University unceremoniously drops football, engineering, and hot lunches. Joe Montana transfers his alumni status to Florida. President Obama returns his honorary degree and denies requests for a bailout package. All ND records are stricken from the books. John Saunders, Jason Whitlock, and Pat Forde appear on television to apologize for years of picking on the disabled. The State of Indiana grants South Bend to the State of Michigan, which promptly gives it back.

The Virgin Mary descends from the heavens and requests that the school stop using her name, and instead call itself the Detroit Lions. Jesus himself appears in order to smite the school for “dissing” his mother, and then decides to cut to the chase and usher in the rapture.

So, I’ve been doing my nerdly football duties of watching “Notre Dame” week on ESPN (basically watching a weeks worth of segments that tell me “important” tidbits that every Irish fan already knew), but yeah, I’m gonna keep doing it. (Hey, it’s college football talk.)

Surprisingly, one episode did actually cause me to think of the Irish offense in a new way. Either John Saunders or Ed Cunningham made a point about Notre Dame’s offense being explosive, but stalling often because of the run game. In other words, rightfully expecting one result, but often getting another (opposite) result.

It’s expecting an attack with the ferocity of Metallica, and getting Rick Astley instead.

Watching Notre Dame’s Offense Has Been Kinda Like This: