“Coach Weis will not get fired because of me.”

The words were bold and true on the cover of last month’s Sporting News. Spoken by Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen. The golden boy/chosen one turned do-gooder. He now sees himself as a knight in shining armor for Notre Dame. He is willing to take on burdens such as: being the protector of Charlie Weis’ job, returning Notre Dame’s relevance in the national spotlight, and defending the right of every American citizen.

A 10 win season and BCS bowl will take care of the first two, and Jimmy could very well be up to that challenge and turn in a monster season. To show he is not all words, he has been backing up his new stance of “the bodyguard” by carrying out various charitable acts.

See for yourselves.

-Saving a drowning kid in the Atlantic Ocean while he was on spring break. Then going ER era George Clooney on the kid and giving him CPR as well.

-Giving his high school championship ring to a struggling construction worker who could not afford an engagement ring for his girl.

-Following in the footsteps of hotties such as Pam Anderson and Roselyn Sanchez, and posing (in the buff) for Peta advertisements claiming “I’d rather go naked than wear fur.”

-Taking boxing lessons to protect girls like Rihanna from guys like Chris Brown.

-Trading in riding stretch Hummers for riding a Toyota Prius in order to advocate greener fuels.

-Paying 1 penny a day to adopt a child from Ecuador.

-Giving free autographs to any person hailing from the sorrowful Michigan area (license required).

Oh yes, Jimmy Clausen is the new hero. The Bodyguard 2009.

Pete Carroll has been ruining Fighting Irish lives since 2002. He is a bad, bad, bad man. He is Notre Dame’s worse nightmare, and I’ve spent a good portion of my off season wishing ill will upon him.

I’ve done this because only so much of your time can be spent projecting your team’s breakout players, and what areas the team must improve in. Time also must be made to scout the opposition, and evaluate just how big of pricks they really are, and what should happen to them. (This list will be revisited once again prior to the season in August.) Here’s what I have for Pete:

5.) Take away the “!” on keyboards. As anyone that somewhat follows college football knows, Pete does not know how to speak without exclamation points. They are his periods, question marks, commas, colons, well, really his only form of punctuation. He is one giant Bubblicious bubble of enthusiasm, and taking away exclamation points would pop that bubble, and render his communication meaningless.

4.) Lose to Jim Harbaugh and Stanford, again. Stanford is the home of intellectuals, writers and businessman. Not the home of football studs (besides Elway, and that was a once-in-a-lifetime thing). USC is the king of California football, and should never lose to their more intellectual brother. Well, they did (to a 40 point underdog Cardinal) in ‘07, and I think Pete would start losing his flowing white locks if it happened again.

3.) Subject him to pro coaching again (but not until the Irish beat him a bunch of times). Pete can motivate college kids without doubt, but I would like him to be reminded that on the highest level, he is really more of a .500-type guy than a winner.

2.) A Football in the groin. Effective. Funny. Painful. Really painful.

1.) Lose 7 in a row to Notre Dame in blowout fashion. Does this really need to be explained? Time to change the cycle that has been going on for too long.

Watching a pretty girl bust out of her tight-fitting clothes is one of life’s greatest treasures. Nothing can put a smile on your face faster. It is the type of moment that turns you 15 all over again, making you tug at your buddy’s arm so he can see too, or take a picture with your phone, or make you run a red light, or cause you to smash your index finger and thumb with a hammer at work.

So I give you one time hottest girl on the planet Jessica Simpson, busting out of her top. And I ask, what Notre Dame player can we expect to bust out this season?

Kapron Lewis-Moore?
Steve Filer?
Sam Young?
Trevor Robinson?
John Goodman?
Deion Walker?
Gary Gray?
Jonas Gray?
Duval Kamara?

What do you guys think?