Pete Carroll has been ruining Fighting Irish lives since 2002. He is a bad, bad, bad man. He is Notre Dame’s worse nightmare, and I’ve spent a good portion of my off season wishing ill will upon him.

I’ve done this because only so much of your time can be spent projecting your team’s breakout players, and what areas the team must improve in. Time also must be made to scout the opposition, and evaluate just how big of pricks they really are, and what should happen to them. (This list will be revisited once again prior to the season in August.) Here’s what I have for Pete:

5.) Take away the “!” on keyboards. As anyone that somewhat follows college football knows, Pete does not know how to speak without exclamation points. They are his periods, question marks, commas, colons, well, really his only form of punctuation. He is one giant Bubblicious bubble of enthusiasm, and taking away exclamation points would pop that bubble, and render his communication meaningless.

4.) Lose to Jim Harbaugh and Stanford, again. Stanford is the home of intellectuals, writers and businessman. Not the home of football studs (besides Elway, and that was a once-in-a-lifetime thing). USC is the king of California football, and should never lose to their more intellectual brother. Well, they did (to a 40 point underdog Cardinal) in ‘07, and I think Pete would start losing his flowing white locks if it happened again.

3.) Subject him to pro coaching again (but not until the Irish beat him a bunch of times). Pete can motivate college kids without doubt, but I would like him to be reminded that on the highest level, he is really more of a .500-type guy than a winner.

2.) A Football in the groin. Effective. Funny. Painful. Really painful.

1.) Lose 7 in a row to Notre Dame in blowout fashion. Does this really need to be explained? Time to change the cycle that has been going on for too long.