Notre Dame is in a heated battle with USC once again. This time it’s off the field, and it is a battle for the services of possibly the best high school defensive player in the nation. He is linebacker Manti Te’o. Unfortunately for the Irish, it is guaranteed he will be a Trojan. Why, you ask? First, he is from Hawaii, and the Southern Cal weather translates nicely. Second, The Trojans are a defensive powerhouse, and this man would be an absolute stud in that system. Finally, doesn’t Manti Te’o just sound like a USC Trojan? Rey Maualuga, Taitusi Lutui, Fred Matua, Troy Polamalu, Lofa Tatupu, that team pretty much has a monopoly on players with Pacific Islander-type names.
Even with that, I know some of you are dreamers, so here are some scenarios that have roughly the same odds as Notre Dame winning this recruiting battle.
Notre Dame getting Te’o is as likely as:
-The D.A.R.E. program actually stopping a kid from doing drugs…
-Getting hit by lightning not once, but seven times…
-Mac from The Sunny in Philly gang actually using a rubber…
-Urban Meyer telling the truth to a recruit…
-a man not willing to ruin a friendship with a girl for sex…
-winning a golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s factory…
One is the loneliest number, but 3 can be a crowd. And that is what is has boiled down to this recruiting season. 3 parties. Notre Dame. USC. Manti Te’o. It is a complicated situation (where feelings can get hurt), so in honor of the best commercial day of the year (Super Bowl), I’ll let this advertisement show how one beer company would handle it.
While the good people at Guinness know how to share when there’s a crowd, the Irish want to hog Te’o all for themselves. How will it play out?
If you are in your late 20’s or early 30’s, you remember a time when Paula Abdul ruled the world. Not like she is now, slurring words, addicted to alcohol and prescription medicine, and attached to Simon Cowell’s crotch. In the late 80’s, this former Laker Girl and choreographer took the world by storm with hits such as Straight Up, Opposites Attract, and Cold Hearted. She was smoking hot, and I spent many a days watching her music videos with my hand down my pants (hoping my parents wouldn’t barge in), while at the same time wondering why she liked to dance with cartoon cats.
Little did I know the words of wisdom that her song Cold Hearted would bring. That’s what recruiting season is. Cold Hearted. As young men make the best decision for their future, fans hearts get broken with the realization that their school is not the “dream school” for every big-time recruit. As this recruiting season draws near the end, the Irish are continuing a disturbing trend of getting played by verbally committed recruits. Last year it was Omar Hunter. This year it’s Marlon Pollard and Nyshier Oliver. I don’t know that either loss is huge, but it hurts to see Notre Dame get shunned for another.
To all recruits who have dissed Notre Dame, I speak for all of us fans when I say you are cold-hearted sons of bitches. Yes, you’ve been tellin’ lies. Tell’em Paula.