If I ever see Marty McFly again, I am gonna punch him right in the face. He is a shyster, no doubt about it. A real scam artist. One of the shadiest bastards that I have ever come across.

I met him just a few days ago, right after my Irish had lost to Syracuse. That’s right, the team that has/had Greg Robinson as a coach and had only beaten 1 FBS team all season. The team that Rutgers has surpassed in the Northeast. The team that hasn’t mattered since Donovan McNabb roamed the sidelines. Notre Dame lost to them because, well, because Notre Dame loses to everybody these days.

Here’s what happened:

So anyways, I’m sitting at a BW3’s with a buddy of mine, and I don’t even have the stomach to eat any more wings. I don’t need wet naps to wipe my face-I am using my own tears. This dude walks up to my table and asks if I’m all right. He says his name is Marty McFly. He is boyish-looking, and seems to have a thing for Old Navy-type tech vests. Weird. We get to talking, and I start blabbing about the good ‘ol days-when Notre Dame could actually win a national championship. He says he has just the thing to help me.

We walk outside, and he introduces me to his sports car. It’s called a DeLorean-it has cool up-swinging doors, and was apparently “da bomb” back in the 80’s when Don Johnson ruled the world, and when Rick James was slapping Charlie Murphy around at Studio 54 after doing too much blow.

He told me that his brilliant scientist friend had turned it into a time travel machine by using plutonium and something call the flux capacitor. All you have to do is get the thing up to 88mph. He lets me hop in and we go back in time and meet Abraham Lincoln. Wow! The thing actually worked. I realize this is my chance to go back and visit the glory days-maybe watch Rocket take a kick back to the house or something. Marty and I decide to do business. I get the DeLorean, and he gets a hefty sum of money.

I am ecstatic. I hop in the car, take it up to 88, and…and nothing happens. I look under the hood to to see what’s wrong, and I realize I have been scammed. The flux capacitor is not there. And Marty McFly is long gone.