Brady Quinn once saved my life.

I was down. I was out. Crushed. Beaten up. I was more pathetic than a grown man who actually thought it would be fashionable to wear a Donald Duck costume during one of his big concerts (Elton John), or a man that is almost 60 years old, and still calls himself “Sting” (ummm…that would be Sting). It was all because of Notre Dame football, how it was doing about as well as a Verne Troyer drunken stupor. The Davie/Willingham era of football (run, run, incomplete pass/bubble screen for minimal yards, punt) was an offensive catastrophe of ineptitude on the level of Armageddon (not the actual Armageddon, but Ben Affleck’s acting in the movie). The Irish offense was about as exciting as Betty White’s current sex life.

Then, the Brady Quinn offense arose, lighting up the skies for over 300 yards/game, and multiple touchdown tosses. Highlight after highlight of bombs to Stovall and Samardzija. The thirty-point game was a guarantee. Notre Dame football was fun again, for the first time in a long time.

Brady Quinn used to be the man.

The straight-out-of-a-fairy-tale hero. The golden-boy quarterback that Notre Dame craves. I used to tell my buddies that the Irish were a 5-win team without him, and if he had a defense (like Troy Smith, Jamarcus Russell, etc. had), he would have been a national championship quarterback. He had the tools, smarts and tutelage (Weis), to make his mark in the NFL.

But now?

It is 3 seasons later, and Quinn has done nothing. It’s not easy to become a star if you are drafted by the Browns, but Brady never did enough to really impress anyone in the organization. The Browns went mostly with a guy that threw enough questionable passes to make Brett Favre say “Holy Shit!”, and even after dealing him, they still don’t like what they have in Quinn.

So they are shopping him around, most likely ending his Cleveland career before it even started.

So, what happened to the quarterback I saw in college?

Greg Paulus is a pretty good athlete.

Good enough to garner attention from many major programs in both football (the Irish wanted him), and basketball (everyone wanted him) while enjoying a king’s career at Christian Brother’s Academy in New York.

Good enough to be a 4-year starting point guard at Duke (but let’s be honest, this isn’t 90’s era Duke, this is a Duke era where Christian Laettner-in his 40’s-would make the rest of the Duke athletes look like they belong in the concession stands serving giant-sized soft pretzels).

Good enough to quit playing football for those 4 years, and returning from that hiatus to become the starting quarterback at Syracuse this past year (but let’s be honest, the talent it takes to win the Syracuse quarterback starting job is roughly equal to the acting ability it takes to star in porn).

Recently on Dan Patrick’s radio show, the host pretty much got Paulus to say (admittedly, only after much badgering from Patrick) that he thinks he would be a better draft pick than Jimmy Clausen, or just about anybody else entering the draft (Sam Bradford was the only quarterback he couldn’t be nudged into saying he would be a better pick than).

Hey, I’m all for believing in yourself. So are guys like Brian Tracy, Napoleon Hill, and Zig Ziglar.

However, Paulus just happens to be a little off in his own self-assessment. (Again, he was only a small, weak-armed, sorta-accurate quarterback, that only could get a starting gig at the Chernobyl of college football programs.)

How Off?

-Off like Ben Roethlisberger is off on judging whether women want to have sex with him.

-Off like going to Ruby Tuesday for a healthy meal. (They have veggie burgers that are the equivalent of eating 2 McDonald’s double cheeseburgers!)

-Off like a boss “tickling” his staff members. Of the same sex. Multiple times. (Sorry, the only thing acceptable touching is giving a firm, open-palmed strike to the buttocks, and even that has to be in the locker room-and only there.)

-Off like introducing a new curling iron into a foreign country, where the name for the product is translated as “manure stick”.

That about sums it up for Grep Paulus’s thoughts. Have some fun, and add some more “off like this” scenarios for your own enjoyment.

Spring practice is under way for quite a few schools, so forecasters have no choice but to trot out “Top College Football Player” lists for 2010. ESPN reporter Joe Schad has his top 100-names that we already know, or are sure to know as next season gets going.

His list includes a few Domers, Michael Floyd at #12, Manti Te’o at #32, Dayne Crist at #47, and Kyle Rudolph at #92.

Schad is correct on those names of course, but (for you super fans) there is a more complete list of Irish players to watch. We’ve already seen the first names on the list, and here comes part II.

Here we go (again).

Ethan Johnson, DE/DT. The Irish haven’t had a star defensive lineman since people churned out their word documents on typewriters. Great teams have great line play on on offense and defense. Great teams have defensive tackles that gobble up running backs like an IHOP breakfast. Johnson has shown flashes in two years, but Notre Dame needs him to be great if the team is to take the next step.

Harrison Smith, S. The man that chases ball carriers like Pepe Le Pew chases the ladies (as in-he never catches them). Smith has been uncomfortable to watch in the defensive backfield, letting receivers run open and free far too often. He has bounced back and forth between safety and linebacker to find his niche, but Brian Kelly has decided that safety is where he needs to be. He has athleticism, but has not proven he can translate that to the field. The Irish don’t have a lot of other options here, so Smith needs to be far better than he ever has been.

Shaquelle Evans, WR. Wide receivers are needed in abundance to make Kelly’s offense fly. Evans is supposed to have a Golden Tate-type of skill set, which could help. A lot.

Theo Riddick, RB. Look we know that Robert Hughes is a bruiser that can pick up some tough yards. We know that Armando Allen is a quick, duel-threat that can rip off a twenty yard gain, and catch out of the backfield. However, Riddick can be a difference-maker. He has the vision, speed, and moves that a ball carrier needs to be a big-play threat. He could be to this offense what Ben Roethlisberger is to lawyers who specialize in harassment cases.

Matt Romine, T or Matt James, T. Romine is a fourth-year player that was once one of the most highly regarded high school offensive lineman in the country. He has not made a mark yet. Matt James will be a true freshman that was on of the most highly-regarded high school offensive lineman in the country. He has a chance to make his mark. Notre Dame quarterbacks haven’t had tackles that can handle elite rushers (other than Ryan Harris) in years, so these two need to reverse the trend, and ensure that the Irish support staff doesn’t need to know whether Tide or Cheer gets the stains out of Dayne Crist’s shirts better.